


heart born out of fire

by bloody_blade0



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha Harry, Anxiety, Art, Artist Louis, Artist Zayn, Bottom Louis, CEO Harry, Clubbing, Coffee Shops, Dark, Dark Alleys, Death, Depressed Louis, Dom/sub Undertones, Fingering, Fluffy, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insomnia, Knotting, Libraries, Louis is in a dark place, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Music, Omega Louis, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Possessive Harry, Protective Harry, Protective Zayn, Sad Louis, Sex, Smutty, Top Harry, i can't write that stuff not yet, just mentioned, light drugs, soft louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-03-15 06:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13607979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloody_blade0/pseuds/bloody_blade0
Summary: au where louis is a sad, sad omega in hiding who hides from everyone and trusts no one.until he does.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> like. i need kudos and comments. badly.  
> honest to god, tell me if it's shit, i need to know.  
> love y'all.  
> xx

_*_

_Don't be afraid to leave your mark, give me scars to remind me just how good you are._

_*_

Sitting in a crowded room on an uncomfortable wooden chair, surrounded by sleep deprived students and their 8 am murderous aura, must've been one of the most brilliant of the government's plans of starting a legal zombie apocalypse.

  
Louis reckoned that if he paid them the money they could've at least invested in good lightning, since the LED light was prickling his eyes, almost making him tear up. And the lack of sleep might have something to do with it as well. He blames Harry, honestly. Getting only a few hours of sleep was worth the permanent imprint of the man's dick in his body, though.

  
There were few things Louis would sacrifice for other people, sleep among them. He was an insomniac as long as he could remember, and every damn time he thought the universe had given him a break, a blink or two of sleep, everything was shattered by the sound of Niall's cheep versions of alarm clocks that Louis stopped counting how many were purchased in the dollar store close to the Irish man's office since every single one of them suffered the same fate. Being crashed into a wall, or punched with a fist as Louis gracefully unrolled himself from the sheets, straight onto the floor. That was one of the reasons why Louis sometimes chose to stay up all night to catch up on his class work, sitting by the window with a pack of cigarettes and some herbal tea Zayn's mother swore did wonders when her sister's best friend's husband's half sister had the same problem.

  
The tea tasted like any other herbal tea.

  
Louis still couldn't sleep.

  
Sometimes allowing himself to catch a break at work or in class, the most inappropriate places his traitorous body chose to rest, but he was a weak, weak man, and yielded.

  
Sleeping through the most important parts of his life that might secure a decent paying job in his field, way to catch a ride under the bridge, Tomlinson.

  
He knew that if he continued this way, he's going to have an overheat and probably die from exhaustion, but he couldn't care less.  
He's come to a realization that studying to get a job was much easier in theory. Every damn thing he was ever enthusiastic about and made the universal mistake of taking a course in uni about it, he's faced boredom and... Rejection. From within himself towards the topic, and towards the people that surrounded him.

  
He was always a walking nightmare, his mother was so right.

  
"Alright!" the professor clapped his hands suddenly, "Since I can see that all off you caffeine deprived monsters are about to gauge my eyes out, I will, from the deep goodness of my heart, allow you to leave early today."

  
Louis has long ago realized that the only words that his people registered, especially at the crack of dawn (8 am is too early for some people, okay?) were leave, exit, free, canceled, bonus and he was sure the professor knew that as well. The only thing he could hear were soft mumbles as the stampede of unbalanced flesh waved through the exit, seeking freedom, fresh winter air and coffee.

  
"Ah, Louis! Be a good lad and fetch me a cup of whatever, will you? Choose whichever brain rotting place you can find." his professor chirped just as he was about to step outside.

  
"Large, black, no sugar?" Louis asked in a monotonous tone, reaching out for the money.

  
"You know me so well." the man grinned, turning away from the shorter boy, humming softly over heavily underlined pages of the copy of his own book.  
Louis stalked away defeated from the chirping man, trying hard to make the music blasting into his ears loud enough to keep him awake, just for the sake of his Alpha professor's coffee.

  
If it weren't for the kind words and warm smiles the man offered to everyone, Louis would've long ago sued him for repression of the lesser gender, since he felt like he sort of had the role of a slave, and this is not the damn 14th century!, but he could never turn against the man that helped him so much, advocating for equal rights of everyone, holding speeches, conferences, writing books on the topic, and still managing to help those poor bastards (Louis included) get their degree in psychological sciences. If there was ever a definition of a rebellious saint in the dictionary then professor Payne's picture would proudly stand there, smirking behind his round glasses and a cup of black coffee.

  
There were so many things he shared with his professor, besides his poor vision and awful taste in caffeined beverages.

  
But no matter how fond he was of the man, there was no way in hell he would walk 30 miles to get him a fancy cup of Starbucks coffee, when there was a perfectly shady place just a block away from the university building he loved for its dull appearance, empty space (he honestly didn't know what kept the place going) and a certain roommate that worked miracles on his coffee that made Louis' taste buds die after the first few sips.

  
Upon entering the poorly lit shop that very much reminded Louis of a 13th century witch's apothecary, he greeted Zayn with a grunt, lifting two fingers without pulling his earbuds out, and as expected, receiving two cups of steaming black poison a minute later along with a sleepy grunt on Zayn's behalf that could've meant various things, from _get the fuck out of here I don't want to see your face till tonight_ to _feed Kevin if you get home earlier and make something edible I'm starving since Tuesday_.

  
Whatever it meant, Louis nodded and stalked away, holding two hot cups in his gloveless hands that didn't feel the heat or cold since once again, he found himself unlayered in the middle of December, as per usual. How can someone be caught off guard by the cold at December?

  
Louis is a pro at many things, he is.

  
Delivering the coffee to professor Payne, without paying any attention to his see you or whatever the man said, since Louis was both blind without his glasses, and deaf with the music screaming at his brain to wake the fuck up or he'll get run over by a car on his way back to flat. Louis' brain didn't care, though, since it screamed back at the same intensity that it needed a smoke, and it needed a smoke, now or shit is going down.

  
Louis was always a weak, weak Omega who indulged himself in everything, meaning responding to his system's cravings such as nicotine and yellow peanut m &m's.

  
So he pulled out a pack of his death sticks as Harry liked to call them, and inhaled.

  
Trembling at the balcony of his shitty flat he mused who was most likely to guess the outcome of his life. Niall said that his habit of forgetting clothes will end with him dying of hypothermia, most likely with his balls rolling off his body, long forgotten in the snow one day.

  
Louis had nothing against that. Honestly, it was a unique way to go. It didn't matter if he died of cold at 23 or of a heart attack at 63.

  
Zayn thought he was bound to lose it to lung cancer at the ripe age of 34 considering his passion of impersonating a human chimney.  
Louis couldn't care less.

  
Who was to care about an average Omega with no money, degree or a family?

  
He might've been the one who should've found the strength within himself to fight and achieve something, but he was honest to God tired of it all.

  
His mind was racing every second of every hour for the past five years, since he left his home town, after burying his entire family who died by the hands of people who were against something so primal in their natures, their gender. Rioting was in his parents' nature. They were both fierce and that's what got them killed. That's what got his brothers killed. And that's what made Louis feel so passive afterwards. All the bruises and scars, he thought he'd wear with pride, but in the end, there was nothing to be proud of, just pain to get away from.

  
He fled with Zayn, the only person who understood him, and together, they glided through their existence, not caring about anything but Kevin the cat they found in an alley Zayn sprayed over once, getting the paint all over the cat. Kevin didn't appreciate it one bit.  
In order to make it up to him, Louis brought him into their flat, fed him and the rest was history since they very soon learned that whoever fed the creature owned its heart.

  
And Louis loved it, since he loved the feeling of a small body curled up next to him when Zayn was indisposed to give the needy Omega his daily dosage of cuddles.

  
Zayn, his very own least interested Alpha friend who indulged Louis in many things, supported him in so many ways Louis thought about building him a throne as big as the empire state building.

  
The only thing he could do though was puff out the smoke at the stars, aiming at the sun, to shield him from everything that's wrong. And feed the damn cat.

***

 

"Why are you always trembling, Lou?"

  
"I'm a high current boy." Louis giggled, laying on his back on his balcony at 2 pm on a Thursday next to Niall, things he had to do nested at the back of his mind, but the barrier of his strong willed mind that's used to ignoring important tasks stood still.

  
"You're high as a kite, mate." the Irishman chuckled, drawing another smoke from the blunt, passing it over to Louis.

  
"I might be."

  
Silence.

  
Silence is so fucking overrated.

  
It just makes his mind spin in circles, broken patterns he'd rather not experience.

  
He just wants to feel the world over twice without having to worry about the consequences. He wants good things to happen without having to go through a tragedy to deserve them. He wants to be happy with an average life, not feel guilty for being something he can't change, he doesn't want to comply to his nature that made sure that even something as simple as drawing a breath of anything merely toxic made his brain fuzzy because he was a weak, gentle Omega whose nature didn't handle weed and suppressants and stress very well.

  
He wanted to stay in his gigglish state forever, becoming creepily aware of every stretch of his muscle without the sounds of outer world interfering, but alas, that was not possible since the moment he started contracting his face muscles in a weird way, a broken sound of Niall's phone went off and the older boy shuffled, fishing his phone from his jeans, mumbling incoherently.

  
"Horan speaking." Niall giggled into his phone, making Louis let out an irritated groan.

  
"Yes, sir, I'm aware it's a Thursday...Yes..." Niall babbled, and Louis rolled his eyes.

  
"I will, yes. No. Yes, sir." Niall breathed out.

  
"What happened to 'I'm no man's Omega bitch'"? Louis teased when Niall hung up the phone, rolling on his stomach, trying and failing to get up.

  
"Well, when that man happens to be the one who pays you for doing your job then I can't protest now, can I?" Niall mumbled into the concrete.

  
Louis hummed in agreement, not really thinking about anything Niall said, being selfish as always, closing his eyes for a brief second, trying to chase the feeling that's been mingling at the brink of his consciousness.

  
When he opened his eyes he was no longer on the cold surface of his balcony, but on the couch inside of his flat, even though it didn't really make much of a difference since the damn thing was as soft as an elephant's touch and the room was barely two degrees warmer than it was outside.

  
It wouldn't be the first time he woke up not knowing where he was so he let himself just lie for a minute or ten, absorb all the mold traces on the ceiling, not thinking about anything special, rather following his usual thought process. He was getting quite tired of it, to be honest.

  
He was jerked from his slumber when a warm presence of an Alpha overflod his senses in a shape of a rather tired Zayn that sprawled himself over Louis' tiny frame.

  
They didn't speak, because after years of standing in each other's shadow, they knew when it was necessary to speak, and didn't jump out of their comfort zone, preferring instead to read the other's body language and energy waves that Louis was still amazed he was able to recognize, the scent of Zayn's anger, happiness, annoyance, sadness, or in this case, tiredness.

  
He kept his fingers in Zayn's hair, following a circle pattern at the nape of the raven haired man's neck he knew would have his Alpha friend purr. And he wasn't wrong.

  
They stayed in that position, each lost in the other one's touch, Zayn's stress aura slowly fading, and that was when Louis felt relaxed himself and gently removed his right hand from the Alpha's hair in favor of picking up his phone to order in food, since he knew Zayn was hungry.  
He wasn't able to dial the because the second his finger started typing in the number Niall barged in, carrying his sweet smell of jasmine, stress and greasy pizza.

  
"I will fucking die." the blonde slouched on the floor tiredly, grabbing a piece of cheesy hot heaven, grabbing the remote, flicking through channels, settling on a golf channel.

  
"Hmmm..." Zayn mumbled tiredly, agreeing.

  
"I hate this world." Niall said bluntly, looking at the screen, or more so, through the screen, unfocused.

  
That's when Louis smelled it.

  
"Niall." he opened his eyes abruptly. "Why do you smell like pine?"

  
It wasn't a cologne. Niall's colognes weren't strong as the scent that was swirling through Louis' sensitive nostrils, Niall's scent was fresh, neutral.

  
"You're a fucking creep. It's so fucking creepy, that, you know." Niall rolled his eyes, getting up to fetch himself a beer and a blanket.

  
"I have many creepy traits, my sensitive smell is not the creepiest." Louis shrugged

  
"You haven't answered my question, though." he raised his eyebrow at the Omega that returned to his previous position, only now enveloped in Louis' yellow blanket, holding the bottle between his knees.

  
"Andrew." Niall said, not taking his eyes off the screen where people stood in the form of white unmoving blots, waving the sticks, chasing God knows what.

Louis hated the sport. But Niall loved it, and he loved Niall and if he wasn't able to endure something as simple as a green screen for a few hours then he didn't deserve the man who, as a true blessing of heaven, never entered through the door without a bag of food, alcohol or at least a smile.

  
At the mention of the unfamiliar name, Louis felt Zayn's body tense at the top of his, so he raked his fingers through his hair, twisting it and pulling, trying to relax his friend, but Louis knew Zayn was awake from his slumber now.

  
"Who's Andrew?" Zayn asked, eyes shut, eyebrows scrunched.

  
"One of the partners." Niall mumbled absentmindedly.

  
" _One of the partners_. " Louis mocked.

  
"The company is owned by _two_ people Niall."

  
"Yeah, and one of them is Andrew." Niall replied sarcastically.

  
"And you're Harry's assistant, love. So why do you reek of the other one?" Louis pressed, hearing Niall mumble something incoherently he lifted one eyebrow in confusion.

  
"What did you say?"

  
"He said that next time he'll scrub his fucking skin off, maybe then the blood could fool your freaky nose." Zayn spoke flatly, still lying on Louis' chest, sharing his body heat that had risen in a second.

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

  
When Niall remained silent longer than five seconds, Louis couldn't resist the urge to reach out for the Omega's shoulder, squeezing it gently in hope of getting his friend's attention.

  
"Nialler?"

  
The sudden smell of something salty, sleazy went up Louis' nose and he had to summon the entire universe's energy in order to stay put and not jump through the window because Niall Horan's eyes were filled with tears.

  
No power, human or celestial has ever put in so much effort to stay composed as Louis Tomlinson did when his best friend of ten years, his fluffy sunshine, Niall an explosion of made up constellations that shine throughout the broken galaxy, the epitome of boisterous movement and the orange sky, the feeling of sugary warmth and a body made up of celestial pieces. He is everything from outer space to honeycomb, from a solar flare to a snowstorm. Everything, Niall was everything. His one and only friend whose sweet scent was masked by the piney Alpha musk that has forced himself upon Louis' friend, leaving Louis with boiling anger, with the wish of draining every Alpha on this planet and bathing in their blood.

  
He wanted to break someone's neck, gauge their eyes out with a fucking spoon, stick rusting nails in their lungs, make them eat their own knot, just for doing something they felt entitled to.

  
_If you didn't want it, why did you even leave the house without an Alpha protecting you?_

  
_If you didn't want it, why did you walk around the streets this late at night, knowing there'll be people who will notice you?_

  
_You know you wanted it, otherwise you wouldn't have been strutting around, not even bothering to mask your smell._

  
_Come on, beautiful, you know an Alpha's knot is all you ever wanted._

  
_You were made for my knot._

  
_I'm doing you a favor._

  
_You've made an Alpha very happy, let it be your biggest achievement, Omega._

  
Louis could hear all the phrases he's very well familiar with, phrases every pretentious Alpha with no self control, that felt entitled to every passing Omega, spat at him, at his kind.

  
And there was nothing more he'd like to do than to rip their tongues out and braid them together so they could never, ever disrespect, violate any Omega's gentle nature.

  
Yes, there was difference between the genders, but their differences ought to be respected.

  
He never heard an Omega going around, saying to an Alpha his knot is only for that specific Omega, that the Omega loved the way the Alpha smelled, walked, as if they were begging the Omega to slide down their cocks.

  
But he also never heard of an Omega feeling the wish to take hurt someone, rip someone apart both physically and emotionally, over and over until they bleed from their eyes, as he felt now.

  
But he couldn't give in to the feeling because he had an armful of a sobbing Niall and a very murderous looking Zayn pacing around the room, fuming in a very Zayn way.

  
Zayn's anger was something every person should fear. His face was blank, nothing ever slipped past the fascade, but once he faced his target... run.  
What happens when you strip every human of their facade? There remains a raw core that was shaped by the individual, but in fact, we're all too much alike, prepared to do the most wonderful and the most horrible things without batting an eyelash.

  
There was no difference between an Alpha and an Omega at their very core, because in the end, they were all humans, ready to cry, laugh or kill.  
So there was no difference between Zayn and Louis at the moment, except for the fact that Louis stared in horror at Niall when the Omega begged him not to do anything about the incident because he could lose his job, his house, his family. A violated male Omega, how will that make his family look? He won't be able to live with the shame, the fear, the guilt, cowardice.

  
No matter what Louis said, how many times he repeated that nothing was worth his happiness, that there were institutions that will make sure he's safe, that money isn't everything, he still sat defeated, with Niall's head in his lap, looking at the wall blankly, thinking about the fact that people had to endure all sorts of mistreatment just because they had to take care of their family, because money was everything, money ran the world, money could make it stop spinning, could make it fly out of its orb, and it could make an insignificant, used Omega disappear as well, make everything the Omega fears real.  
Louis sat numb, with a rotten feeling in his stomach.

  
What is the point of living in a world if it's going to be just a fake show where the most important figures lived in luxury, extravagance, everything they wanted, as the small figures bowed their heads and let the giant step over their happiness over and over again?  
Is that the point? Building and rebuilding yourself when you get destroyed only to get stepped on again, but it doesn't matter because you have to keep doing it and doing it until you're out of breath, on your knees, sweating, but not allowed to die, just keep your shoulders straight and carry the privileged ones through the fire, since that's what you're made for, to learn what suffering is so you can appreciate the moments of pure bliss when you're neither happy or sad, just in peace. Isn't it, Omega?

  
Months and months have passed.

  
Life continued, unchanged.

  
Niall worked at the same place, everything going at the same pace since the man that's ruined his life seemed to stop noticing him, and Louis was crushed upon realizing that the eccentric Niall enjoyed being ignored by someone.

  
Zayn was shadowing through the space, keeping his head high, with much more hate towards some people than before, more recklessness, more black pain on the murals him and Louis did through their neighbourhood.

  
Louis still kept low profile, classes draining his energy, leaving the empty shell of his body on autopilot when he went into work after classes, and when he was swriling through narrow streets, delivering packages of pill bags, weed and illegal booze.

  
How did an Omega like Louis manage to go to school, have a job at a sunny cafe, behaving like every other neutral looking person around, and then turn upside down when he left the bleak looking surroundings?

  
Simple.

  
He was looking for the rush only the dark side of life could give him, the one most people upon entering never managed to leave. The one where no Omega was ever allowed to step into.

  
How did the soft Omega manage to do it?

  
Simple.

  
No one, besides Zayn, Niall and his dead family knew Louis was an Omega.


	2. Chapter 2

_***_

_I want to be open for you_

_Like the moonflower at dusk._

_pale and luminescent_

_in the heat._

 

_Like the doors of a church_

_carved into something forgiving -_

_I want to be a place for you to rest._

 

_Honey,_

_please listen when I tell you this._

 

_Love is safe._

 

_Do you hear me?_

_I've put all the pain away._

_Everything sharp is wrapped up._

_Everything loud is hushed._

 

_Love is the wind that makes the leaves dance-_

 

_You are the softest part of the morning._

_E. A._

***

Harry has met many people, was surrounded by so many faces he stopped counting after the first few years on the chair that once belonged to his father, that he, as his one and only Alpha son, took over as soon as he turned 18.

  
Was he capable enough at the age of 18 to do such a thing as leading a world wide recognized corporation?

  
He didn't know, but he didn't know much at the period, and wasn't asked much either.

  
No one really asks anyone much in his world. There are rules established long ago no one was to change, especially in business.   
There is no room for new opinions that could shake the ground, no room for emotions, soft words, pale vision and late night talks under the stars in the world where the only thing that mattered were results.

  
In his world, there was no room for someone like Louis.

  
The boy he met at the back of a dingy pub, drunk off his arse, the boy who almost broke a much larger Alpha waiter's wrist when he saw a white substance dissolving in some girl's glass.

  
The boy who didn't ask Harry who he was, just took him outside, making sure he didn't get any vomit on his expensive suit.

  
The boy who fed him at a place Harry wouldn't be seen entering in any of the parallel universes, laughed at him for looking out of place but still made sure his food wasn't poisoned by the waitress that held a grudge against every man of power, according to Louis.

  
 _How does she know?_ Harry had asked the boy who sat in a lotus position on a very uncomfortable pale blue metallic chair, humming around his straw.

  
 _Oh, except from your appearance?_ the boy replied innocently. He didn't seem to be mocking Harry, he looked amused as he explained to a privileged man how things were, as if he would do with a child.

  
 _What's wrong with my appearance?_ Harry frowned, putting down the half eaten sandwich.

  
_Hey, no need to give off your pissy Alpha pheromones, mate. Nothin' wrong with your appearance, apart from everything starting from that curly lock on the top of your head to your ridiculous shoes scream at me that that suit alone could pay off my rent and feed me and my cat for solid three months._

  
_It's that much of an expensive suit._ Harry mumbled, returning to his food.

  
Louis smiled at him, slurping down the remains of his coke.

  
_Your smell, love._

  
_What smell? The vomit?_ Harry joked.

  
 _Apart from that._ Louis chuckled.

  
_You smell... To be honest, you smell different from any Alpha I've ever met, but I can still tell you are one._

  
_How many Alphas have you met?_ Harry grumbled, suddenly annoyed.

  
 _A fair share of uptight asses have gone through my life_. the boy hummed in response.

  
 _You don't smell of an Alpha_. Harry sniffed.

  
 _You don't really smell of anything_. he continued, pursing his lips.

  
 _Except for the flowery scent... What's that..._ he closed his eyes, focusing on something that was there, but strangely enough, covered by a neutral fragrance that came off from the boy in waves, so he wasn't able to smell it before, but now that they were sitting closer, there was something that made his mind growl in frustration for it not being closer, stronger.

  
 _Jasmine... Orange... White lily... and... Eucalyptus_? Harry laughed as he opened his eyes, looking at Louis whose eyes were wide, his body rigid, breathing quickened.

  
 _Are you alright?_ Harry worried, crouching in front of the boy who was panting now.

  
 _How.. How'd..you.. kn-_ Louis clutched Harry's shirt with trembling fingers.

  
 _Hey, it's okay. It's okay._ Harry soothed, an uncomfortable feeling forming in his chest at the sight of the teared up boy in front of him.

  
 _Breathe with me, breathe in, out.._. the Alpha guided the boy, putting his hand on the boy's chest, feeling the erratic beating of his heart.

  
 _Listen to my voice. I'll count the breaths for you. We'll do it together, okay?_ Harry spoke firmly, locking his eyes with Louis', holding the boy's hand on his chest so he could feel the heat radiating through the older man's shirt.

  
Louis nodded, his head falling on Harry's shoulder as the man whispered in his ear, raking his fingers through the silky waves of Louis' hair, Harry was sure it was what the angels slept on, the softest thing he'd ever touched.

  
Even when Louis calmed down, they stayed on the floor, Louis mumbling at him to stop sending off his freaky Alpha pheromones if he doesn't want to mark the entire place and close the diner for a month.

  
He didn't talk about it, shrugging it away as they continued to talk while Harry ate, even though he was afraid he'd just puke everything, this time from nerves.   
Louis didn't allow the conversation to flow in his direction anymore, instead, Harry found himself telling his entire life story to a pale boy with stunning blue eyes at 3 am in a diner in a neighbourhood he never thought he'd seek out again.

  
They parted ways, Louis patting his shoulder, disappearing into a strange looking alley Harry didn't feel comfortable letting him go into, but it's not like he could say anything.

  
The following months he felt strange. Uneasy, almost afraid for the first time in his life, not for his own well being but an unknown boy with strange smell, kind words, sad eyes and pale skin.

  
Harry had never given a thought his Alpha status, or his enterprise, his way of living. He just accepted it because it was the only thing he knew since he was born.

  
But upon meeting Louis, things changed, Harry changed, and realized, change is good.

 

 

They've crossed paths, one would say it was destiny's choice, but a reasonable man could clearly see that it was in fact Harry's infuriation that didn't allow him to let go someone he met in circumstances many would be ashamed of, and never want to think about again.

  
An Alpha slipping, being held and fed by anyone was something frowned upon and every Alpha Harry knew, they never asked for help, they never needed anyone.

  
But after, to put it lightly, stalking Louis, he realized that he was one of the Alphas who needed things to draw energy from, and he found his something in the feathery looking boy who allowed him to get close, a blessing Harry knew he didn't deserve but cherished nevertheless.

  
There was no courting, there were no dates and sweet words.

  
Just actions that made Harry's Alpha heart flutter and random words he heard every day but when Louis said them they had an entirely different meaning.  
Harry was never ashamed of Louis, never hid his 'relationship' with the boy, but Louis always shrugged away every attempt of the Alpha to make their relationship public, saying they don't need the attention, they don't need to put a stamp on their acquaintance.

  
Harry had growled, something hot boiling in his chest at Louis' words.

  
Is that all he is to Louis?

  
After months of knowing each other, exchanging words and touches, skin and circulating air, he was nothing but an acquaintance to Louis? How many such acquaintances did he have? How many people did he lure into his bed with his smooth words and sweet body?

  
Pinning the boy to the wall was not a good decision when he spat the insults that made the younger boy's eyes turn to ice. Harry never wanted to be under the intensity of that gaze, ever again.

  
 _"Listen to me, and listen to me well."_ the boy gritted through his teeth

  
_"Who I lure into my bed and with what, is none of your fucking business.Consider yourself privileged for even stepping an atom of your pompous self through the door of home. I've given myself to you for the time we spend together, what you do, who you do when you leave me, I've never asked, because I have no right to ask. I'd like for you to give me the same respect or you can leave this second and find yourself someone who will allow you to make them your slave."_

Harry could say with certainty that he had never been intimidated more by a creature so small that they had to put a cushion on their car seat when they're driving.

  
He didn't apologize.

  
He couldn't.

  
The only thing he could do when the man he was infuriated with suggested him to leave was possessively smash his lips on the boy's until the sting in his heart went away.

  
_Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine,.._

  
He couldn't control Louis, nor did he want to. But damn it if he sometimes didn't get a wish of tying him to a chair just so he could stay put, only for Harry to see, and not go out, where he did God knows what, because he never said anything. There were no clues, no dots for Harry to connect.

  
Louis lived in an apartment with another person, he knew that because there were clothes that didn't fit Louis sometimes lying on the couch when him and Louis crashed through the door with their lips tightly connected, Louis' legs tied around Harry's waist and Harry's palms firmly supporting the boy's thighs, moving, treading, touching, searching for a part he hasn't touched, hasn't worshiped.

  
Also, there was the smell.

  
Louis always smelled fresh, no matter the contaminated air he was surrounded by on the streets, again, doing God knows what, but there was a tone lingering on the surface he knew didn't belong to his boy. So he fucked him until Louis was covered in nothing but Harry's smell.  
There were books on the shelves, varying from poetry books, cookbooks (Harry correctly assumed those weren't Louis'), books about herbs, philosophy, psychology and history.

  
There was alcohol in the fridge, so much alcohol, oranges on the table, cat food, a glass bowl filled with yellow peanut m&m's he learned Louis adored and a cactus plant at the balcony.

  
The ever present smell of paint Harry adored.

  
Louis never spoke of doing art and that saddened Harry at the begnining.

  
Why didn't he want to share a piece of himself with Harry?

Later on he learned that anything he wanted to know, he had to ask, just like Louis did.

  
He never met Louis without the boy asking him why was he angry, sad, happy or tense, moods even Harry suppressed to the back of his mind, the boy had seen.

  
So he made it his life mission to see through the apparent shield that surrounded Louis, to see the real emotions the boy hid so well.

  
It wasn't easy, but after awhile, he could sense when Louis felt sad, mostly because it radiated off the boy, enveloping him in that cocoon of sadness that broke Harry's heart.

  
Louis might not be Harry's Omega, Louis in fact, might not be an Omega at all, and that was perfectly fine by him, but he was going to treat him as his, not because Louis deserved it, which he did, but because it was the only natural reaction he had when it came to the boy. Protect. Make him happy. Make him smile.

 

  
Sunflowers.

  
Louis was happy when Harry came by once unannounced in front of Louis' apartment, following the boy's faint undertone he had grown so accustomed to, even though he wanted to bury his nose in Louis' neck where the smell was the strongest, the sweetest. Smell that made his head swirl, his cock swell and his heartbeat quicken or slow down. Everything he needed, all the happiness on the world could be defined by the sweet smell Louis had.

  
He had followed the tender smell not to Louis' apartment, as he expected it, but to the roof of the building where the boy sat on the floor, with headphones he never went out without, Harry was afraid they were going to grow into his head, so often he had called Louis, and the boy didn't answer him because he couldn't hear it and it resulted in Harry rushing over across the town just to find Louis typing away on his laptop with music so loud Harry could hear it from the hallway.

  
Louis was very surprised to find a very relieved and very angry Harry standing next to him when he finally managed to wake up the boy from his slumber.  
 _'I was worried.'_ Harry had said, sitting next to the boy on the floor who wore nothing but his boxers.

  
 _"Wha' about?"_ Louis asked in confusion, chewing on his yellow gummy bears.

  
_"You weren't answering your damn phone Louis! You always carry it with you and you weren't answering so I thought something might've happened to you!"_

  
_"Oh."_ the boy sighed. _"Sorry."_

  
 _"Did I forget about a date night or something?"_ Louis furrowed his eyebrows.

  
 _"Did something happen? Are you alright? Did you need something?"_ he continued, making Harry grit his teeth, knowing Louis enough by now, hating the fact that he didn't get it. He didn't understand.

  
_"I needed you. To answer the phone. To see that you were alive and not dead lying in some ditch."_

  
_"If I were lying in a ditch you'd probably know since Niall would like a free day for the funeral or something, so don't worry."_ Louis chuckled, turning back to his laptop.

  
Harry saw red. The mere thought of Louis joking about something like that made him want to bubble wrap the boy and lock in a basement.

  
That was also the day Harry found out that one of Louis' best friends was working for him.

  
He didn't even act surprised for Louis not telling him. Why would he, right?

  
Harry tried to stay calm for the next few minutes by keeping the conversation flowing, somehow ending up on the topic of gardening which resulted in Louis saying he would like to be buried in a sunflower field, and Harry, not being able to tell Louis to stop talking that way, or he'll lose his mind, had no other option but to fuck Louis on the floor, making him beg not to stop, making him want to live, if for nothing than for the mind blowing orgasms Harry gave him.

 

  
Sunflowers.

  
The day Harry came by, Louis was on the roof, painting sunflowers, happy.

  
There was no wind, and the day wasn't sunny.

  
In fact, it was gloomy and about to rain, but Louis sat on the cold concrete, with a brush in one hand, pallette in the other where various shades of yellow, blue, brown and green were splattered, as well on Louis' fingers, arms and face, under his left eye, on his nose, on his chin. But he didn't seem to notice, because he was painting sunflowers and he was happy.

  
Harry fished out his phone, wanting to make that vision last forever, the sight of his boy enveloped in himself, swirling through the mysterious paths of his beautifully dark mind, painting sunflowers on a rainy day on a rooftop of his building.

  
Harry vowed to plant Louis a fucking sunflower field in his room and bring him there every day if that meant he'll be like this, like Harry wanted him always to be.

 

  
Happy.


	3. Chapter 3

_Let me love you softly, gently, the only way you deserve._

***

Fuck all the clocks in the world, fuck every bumpy road, broken phone and fuck capitalism.

Louis found himself cursing at every damn thing that came into his way as he hurried towards the bookstore, grumpy, late, and as always, tired.

Do all these people really have to be out here at this precise moment, blocking the road, chatting and laughing, as if there is anything worth breathing for at this ungodly hour, let alone laughing.

 _'Movemovemovemove,...'_ he snapped in his head, too much of a coward to actually tell the couple in front of him to either stop walking slowly or die slowly.

 Jason is going to fucking kill him. For a bookstore owner, he was a rather snippy, bitter man who saw books as yet another source of money rather than enjoyment. Who would've thought that a bookstore clerk could have a demon for a boss? Seems like every creature with bad tempers unsatisfied with their lives under this goddamn sky have found their way into Louis' life. 

There was always something to yell about with Jason. He wasn't yelling at Louis per say, he was just mumbling into thin air about money, ungrateful children and taxes. Yet somehow, mostly, he was gentle with Louis. As gentle as someone like Jason could get, that is. At the ripe age of 65 he was quite unfulfilled, with a wife that's passed long ago, kids that have no interest in showing their faces any time soon or help him do his business, they would rather spend their time on the other side of the planet, doing God knows what useful deed with their doctor diplomas. 

Still ungrateful, according to Jason, though.

But Louis supposed it was healthy to have someone like Jason in his life, otherwise he would think every bad person is a murderer or a thief. No, they can also be bitter 65 year olds who find satisfaction in yelling at teenagers for not color coordinating the books.

That's the scene Louis was hurrying by, rolling his eyes at Mark, the 16 year old who did a part time in the bookstore not because he needed the money, but because he wanted to get out of the house where 5 siblings and very controlling parents could breathe down his neck. Good thing, that, because if anyone was here for making a decent pay they would end up living in a carton box two months after.

"Late! Again!" Jason screamed at Louis who was getting behind the counter, turning on the computer.

"Yeah, yeah..." Louis murmured under his breath, checking the bookstore's email to see if anything concerning today's book reading has changed.

"Don't you mutter into your chest! Speak like a man!" Jason grumbled from behind the science fiction section where he was doing Mark's job, by putting The Perks of being a wallflower. Did Louis mention that Jason was actually an accountant and had never read anything for his satisfaction, only the big books with plain ugly soft covers that had more numbers in them than actual letters? 

"I remember the days when a man could be hanged for not speaking properly to his elders!" Jason's vein was popping and Louis was watching closely, it wasn't even 8 am and his boss was already half way to an aneurysm.

"Jason, there have never existed such times, and you most certainly didn't live through a system that gave a shit about what young people said." Louis smiled sweetly at the man, who was obviously angry about something, and had to let it out. He won't be the one to deny the man the satisfaction, but if he gets upset a tad more Louis might have to organize a funeral instead of the book reading.

"Shut your smartass mouth and start preparing for the reading!" Jason snapped, walking towards Louis with a finger pointed at the boy.

"It's in six hours, boss."

"I know when it is. You better have everything ready because the press is going to be here and the sponsors are going to send someone and there were people coming the entire week, asking about the book and it's going to be a bloody mess since that boy over there can't do his damn job!" Jason was talking quickly, waving his hands around.

"Ugh, fine, don't worry." Louis rolled his eyes. No matter the fact that Jason knew nothing about literature, only the business part of leading a bookstore, his bookstore was one of the fancy ones where you can pre order upcoming bestsellers, press and critics were often reporting about them and people came in for the signing of their favorite books because everyone knew it's their bookstore where you can find a famous author by the aisle, flipping through their own work, acting all bohemian and mysterious.

Tonight's reading Louis didn't know if he'd survive without ripping his hair out.

Yet another one scientific one, with big white covers, red bold letters and stupid Alpha as an author.

_Omega studies._

People, for the love of God, stop studying each other's behavior based only on their gender. 

Stop writing books about dainty Omegas and the domesticity. 

They had a handbook on how to handle a pregnant Omega in their bookstore.

_How to handle a human being._

But Louis stopped paying attention to it a long time ago.

It is what it is.

(Fuck it whatever it is, he hates people, hates Alphas, Betas, Omegas, young, old, poor and rich, for making him this way, for making him hate everything. And yet again, the only one he truly hates is himself.)

"Hey Jason!" Louis called out after his boss who was about to return to his office. (By office he means a dark keeping room with piles of unorganized books and a big desk with stacks of paper in the corner)

"Yes?" 

"I need the next week free." 

"What for now?" the man asked, apparently annoyed.

"Doctor's appointment." Louis bit his lip, staring at the man who's eyes softened as he nodded and left.

Louis might be the only one who's seen the man's soft side since he was the only one who spent enough time with him to see more than the snippy one.

Jason, at his core, wasn't that much of a bad man, really.

He was just incredibly bitter and lonely, ever since his wife died at the riots ten years ago. Louis often spoke to him about the events, careful not to reveal much about himself or wake an unhappy memory in the old man.   
All in all, he was a rebel at young age, an open minded Alpha who cared deeply for his Omega wife and tried to do whatever he could to make her position in the society more bearable. The fact that he didn't succeed, that his wife died without seeing the slight change that's been brought into the world crushed him.

Jason also worried about his children. He had three sons, who were all Alphas. He was worried that they will forget the cause their mother died for and fall under the influence of the dominating Alpha male doctrine. 

Louis tried to reassure him, since he knew for a fact that the man had nothing to worry about, that he had raised three very respectable Alphas who were trying to make the world a better place. He didn't know if Jason believed him. 

But Louis, being Louis, had to make him believe so he organized a family gathering for them every six months, just so the man could see his children were alive, happy and without the devil's horns he was convinced they hid. 

Of course Louis kept in touch with them since they were  _his_ doctors.

See, Louis, upon moving had to find a new doctor who was trusting enough, and willing to prescribe him his supressants. 

The boys were in college at the time, and after getting to know them, after seeing he could trust them, he asked for advice.

Fynn had said it was stupid and risky that he even started using them in the first place since no matter how chemically correct, they still disturb the natural process and could very well kill him. 

_"There is nothing wrong with being an Omega, for fuck's sake, Lou! Don't hide your scent, don't mask your heats, are you insane?"_

Very medical of him, that's for sure. But with the help of Owen and Vince, he was able to convince them, saying it was either them or he'd go to someone else.

_"I trust you so I came to you for help." he had said, "but if you deny me the help, I'll go look somewhere else because I need it, and I don't know if you trust me or would take my word when I say that I have my reasons for it?"_

They trusted him. 

They helped him.

Not without fussing on Fynn's part, but he appreciated it nevertheless.

In the beginning he worried they might lose their licence but they quickly reassured him so he just accepted their terms.

That being also one natural heat every two years, blood checks and healthy lifestyle just so they can keep track and react if his health worsnes.

He tried to follow their instructions, but the pills were seriously messing with his head, and his  _happy pills_ as Fynn called his antidepressants, weren't helping by being bitches, giving him awful migrains, dizziness, nausea, and the general lack of will to breathe.

But he had to live with it.

 _Until I stop living._ he mused.

***

"I swear to God, that man gets off on screaming..." Mark huffed, slumping down on the next to Louis when they finished putting the chairs, and piled the books for the reading. Louis had to sanitize his hands after touching the thing. 

"Mhmm.. And not the good kind of screaming." Louis murmured, flipping the page of a book he was reading, legs crossed, glasses on the tip of his nose, threatening to fall.

"I don't need a mental image of Jason screaming in any other way than the traditionally obnoxious one, thank you very much." Mark made a face.

"Why not? He has a daddy vibe around him, doesn't he?" Louis wiggled his eyebrows, laughing at Mark's perplexed face.

"Just... Stop... Talking!" the boy squeezed out, eyes firm shut, mumbling  _hot blondes with big titties_ under his breath, ignoring Louis poking his thigh for the next half an hour when they had to get up because the reading was a few minutes away, the people started crowding, chatting, flipping through the book, exchanging opinions, expectations as the author sat alone in the front, his long legs dressed in fancy beige pants crossed, as he leaned on his knees, talking to a brunette who stood in front of him. He looked excited, Louis could see that from the way his chocolate eyes shone from behind his round thin framed glasses, the way he tapped his fingers on his chin and his oxfords on the wooden floor, but he was trying to mask it over, pretending to be involved in the conversation with the woman whom Louis recognized as one of the publishers. 

The press was there, but only two reporters who carried notebooks and one camera they haven't used yet because Jason didn't want them here, but the author insisted.

Louis knew it was going to take at least an hour and a half at this rate, because it was 4.20 and they haven't started because, as Louis was informed, the sponsors' presence was required, God knows why, but it was.

Meaning Louis will stay til 7, have to close up alone since Mark left at 5 to pick up his sisters from school, go pick up some dinner because Zayn was on duty (read getting new weed from their dealer across the town at some underground boxing match) and would likely be hungry when he gets back, considering he was up since 5 am because Louis had woken him with yet another nightmare. 

Since the bookstore was filled with people, and Louis had nothing to do, he intended to go in the back room to hide and do nothing all by himself rather than being in a crowded room.

But as always, something didn't let him have that little piece of heaven for himself, so his little devil tapped his left shoulder and made him stop in tracks when the author cleared his throat, making everyone fall silent.

"Well, I think there is more than enough of us in order to begin." the Alpha smiled at the group of people in front of him. 

"Isn't it every author's rule to be happy with as little people reading their work as possible?" someone whispered next to Louis and almost made him scream out loud.

"Niall!" Louis pressed the palm of his hand to his chest, trying to calm his beating heart, "What the fuck are you doing here?" he whispered.

"Came in with Harry." Niall replied, looking towards the crowd from the safe distance Louis chose for them. Was it an Omega thing or just a Louis thing? He might ask the Alpha prick who wrote the book, Louis thought devilishly.

"I didn't know Harry's interested in gender studies." Louis frowned, surprised. Bad surprise.

"Harry doesn't give two shits about gender studies. Andrew's sector signed up to a public project that assigned a sponsorship to rising authors in Lagune, the publishing company, so they have to sponsor the book." Niall replied blankly.

"Why would they sponsor this book? And what does that have to do with Harry? I thought he was a marketing guy?" 

"They didn't choose what to sponsor, it was assigned to them." Niall turned towards Louis, "and they do it because there's a fine percentage of the profit going to Andrew's sector's budget, plus it's considered public service in business circles, they're going to be on every front page and that's also good marketing. Charity and shit." Niall sighed, rubbing his face with his hand tiredly.

"And Harry's here because Richard asked him to go since his secretary scheduled a conference and he wouldn't be able to make it, so he sent Harry. It's not like Harry had anything to do anyway, the man is a fucking restless machine." 

Louis smirked. Yes, he could confirm that Harry is fucking restless but not a machine. At least not when with him.

"Where is Harry anyway?" he asked absentmindedly, scratching the back of his neck.

"He went to find a parking spot. We kinda arrived late and every spot in the front is taken, could you believe it?" 

"No, I can't. I can't believe someone writes things that could be found in a cookbook from the 50s, those things still being more useful, I can't believe someone approved of that waste of paper, published it, sponsored it, and then found a group of people who will most likely be lead on by that poor excuse of literature being sorted in the science section, they will take the word for it and think of an entire population of people, 34,5% of the population are Omegas mind you, could be treated like dogs, happy when given any sort of attention, put into detention when done something wrong, I mean..."

"Bitter much, Lou?" first, a strong pine and rosemary smell attacked Louis' senses then a raspy voice Louis would recognize in a million spoke. (He would recognize it in a million because he was that good at detecting different tonalities, that has nothing to do with the tall owner of the voice, no sir.)

"If I didn't know you, I'd say you take this as personal offence." 

Louis was a strong, strong Omega who had such willpower he could stand at the top of Mount Everest and float like a fucking Buddha, but Harry's delicate touch, his Alpha's hand on his hip did something to the chemicals in his body, completely disorienting him, luring him into the touch just a little. Insignificant change of position, only known to his Alpha and himself.

Despite his traitorous body, his mind tried to stay as sharp as possible.

"There's nothing else I can do but take offence in the name of those who can't because their minds are too clouded by the opinions of conceited Alphas in tweed pants."

"How very nice of you. Just be careful to speak your opinion when there are no people who might take it personally, not everyone possesses the self control that's needed when faced with a different opinion." Harry spoke lowly, squeezing his hip.

"Meaning?" Louis raised his eyebrow, "Is it that some Alphas are still lead by the ancient law of nature 'brawns over brains' and can't accept the fact that humanity is moving on from the times when one would punish a lesser gender by putting them on a collar or separating them from any contact until they repent?"

"Sadly, some things are unchanged. But not everyone is the same." Harry tensed.

"I know, and just because of those perfect samples of our species is why I have faith in humanity." Louis nuzzled into Harry's neck, trying to reassure him.

Yes, Louis hated most Alphas, yes Louis hated the system and he hated himself, but Harry... Harry crashed his views on every young Alpha male, a man who defied the system, a man who made him hate himself a bit less. His Alpha. His Harry.

 ***

Louis' sensitive hearing he's been blessed, or cursed with depends on the perspective, has been giving him a headache because everything felt highlighted, everyone's voices, breaths, thumping of their hearts, rolls of Niall's eyes at every person's suggestive smirk for the past hour in a dingy club they've been standing for the past hour, lightning too damaging for Louis' lenceless eyes, the smell of alcohol, perfume, sweat, sex and filthy bathrooms making his palms sweat, and nervous tics becoming more prominent.

The music was loud techno remix of a song that should never be fucked with that way, just like Maroon 5 didn't need the product of their work for the past 5 years that's deeply changed Louis' view on their standards and stupid wish to blend in with the modern sound.

Adam, wake up and go back to 2007.

Louis' heat was starting in a few days, he could never be sure as to when exactly, he didn't keep track like he knew many Omegas did, and even if he did it would be of no use because the pills he's been using have seriously messed up his cycle, making him give up after the first few years.

He stood by the bar, a glass of water in front of him that Greg put as soon as he entered untouched, it mainly stood there just so people would think he's got a drink, and isn't interested, which he isn't. No one would think that a person would come to have fun and drink a clear liquid that isn't alcoholic. Louis was full of surprises.

He was waiting for Zayn to show up, after the reading finished, people got their signed copies and started emptying the room after taking pictures with the author, the reporters holding their recorders in their hands as they interviewed the man, the publisher and the sponsors - Harry, he closed up and ran off without saying anything to Harry because he saw him talking to a short Beta that had a lemony smell and long bleached hair, so he took the opportunity and went through the back entrance, stepping into a dark alley that he felt more comfortable moving around than the busy street in front.

When he moved from Doncaster he never wandered around the busy parts of the city. He knew where things were, how to get from one point to another, but seeing all those tall glass buildings that reflected the light in such an unnatural way, he decided he preferred the dirty, 'dangerous' parts where he became known to everyone as the easily approached weird person who petted stray cats and punched drunk annoying Alphas when they bothered anyone.

Zayn and Louis soon became known as 'Zou' in their neighbourhood, so whenever they painted a mural together they signed it in bright yellow that way.

Everyone Louis knew thought Louis was an asexual Beta, or a very indifferent one. 

Louis didn't correct them.

Zayn peaked from behind Greg at the bar, whispering something to his ear, then turning to Louis, smiling softly.

"Fynn called." he said in a normal voice, not bothering to raise it over the music since he knew Louis could hear him, and Louis greatly appreciated it because sometimes it was easier to concentrate on one sound and block out the others, and the sound of Zayn's voice that Louis always considered the softest sound his ears were blessed with, along with Zayn's heartbeats when he's having a panic attack, Dave's purring and every sound Harry made.

"What'd he say?" 

"That he'll pick you up and take you to Donny for your time of the month." 

"How lovely. It would be so nice of him if he informed me of the plan." Louis rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, well. Ask him." Zayn shrugged, wiping the glasses, glaring at a Beta female that tried to mount the bar in her drunken state.

"You gonna be here tonight?" Louis asked after pulling out his phone to check if Fynn had contacted him.

"Yeah, Greg needs help. You can head out home if you don't want to wait up."

Zayn often worked at bars, pubs, diners, restaurants, any place that needed filling in, mostly as a favor to someone, and their house budget didn't mind the money either.

"I'll stay. I have nothing better to do anyway." the Omega shrugged.

"Did you eat?" Louis asked, scrolling through his emails, seeing there was one from professor Payne, chain that regarded their assignment, and a memory mattress commercial he didn't open.

Opening his fake Instagram account he saw two meme shitposts from his professor he laughed out loud because fuck this man and his corny, adorable sense of humor. 

"Nah." Zayn shouted from the other end of the bar where he was serving two teenagers with fake IDs.

"Imma go grab you something." Louis said, standing up, squeezing through the crowd towards the entrance where Kyle the bouncer smiled at him and Louis waved, speeding towards the nearest fast food that was a hundred steps away. Louis had counted, many times.

Even though it was only a few steps away, he still felt chills from the wind and the acidic taste in his mouth from the tar, sulfur and grease.

Upon entering the wide space of the most amazing, most unhealthy place in the neighbourhood, with light yellow walls that were once white, and black chairs that were bumped and slumped, used to the abuse of stray bodies, he placed his order, chicken wrap for Zayn and a coke for Louis, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, and he tried to slide his frozen fingers over the screen. He managed after missing three times, not bothering to see the name since the font was smaller than the terms and conditions on an iPhone ever since he let Niall's little cousin play with his phone.

"'ullo?" he answered, putting his phone between his ear and shoulder so he could pull out the money and take the food.

"Lou?" Harry spoke.

"Yeah?" the Omega talked absentmindedly as he fiddled with his money, his shaking fingers not helping much. Why were they even there if they're not going to do their damn job?

"Where are you?" the Alpha spoke softly, voice thin, and Louis tensed.

"Picking up some food, then heading back to a club." Louis replied, taking the bag. "Thanks Tom."

 _"No problem Lou, see ya round."_ Tom smiled back.

"What's wrong?" Louis asked, clutching his phone in his hand, pacing towards the club. He could hear the beat from across the street, and it made him even more nauseous, his coat that he left at the bar pretty useless now.

"Who's Tom?" Harry countered.

"Sugar daddy that provides me with endless amounts of stale fries and bubbly water that's been banned by the regulations of the EU two years ago." Louis rolled his eyes.

"Very funny." the Alpha deadpanned.

"I've been told I can be very funny when I try. Sometimes it just falls off my tongue though." Louis crossed the street without looking if there were cars because this was a part of the city where no one owned a car that ran more than 30 mph and even those who did didn't drive them through here at 1 in the morning.

"You okay love?" the Omega tried again, sensing something weird in his Alpha's voice.

"I'm okay." Harry replied without elaborating.

"You shouldn't get out without a coat in the middle of December, Louis." the Alpha chuckled and Louis rolled his eyes because now he could smell Harry somewhere and he hated it when Harry acted all stalkerish on him.

"I'll wait you in the front, love." Louis said and hung up.

He wasn't shivering, and didn't take Kyle's jacket when offered because the jacket was too large, too leathery and had too many disabling devices in secret pockets.

They chatted about Kyle's pregnant wife that was getting mood swings and food cravings Kyle didn't know how to deal with and begged Louis to take him in until the child is born, a plea Louis laughed off, helping Kyle get a drunk Beta, the same one Zayn has been glaring at, into a taxi.

Harry came two minutes after, but Louis felt like it was two years because his toes were threatening to freeze. That is, until he felt Harry's warm hand around his waist and a blue scarf that was being wrapped around him, but he was wrapped more around Harry, not that he minded.

"You're going to catch a cold, for fuck's sake Louis!" Harry spoke angrily, rubbing Louis' back, trying to cover the boy with his long coat, which ended in Louis being pressed to Harry's shoulder, buried in his scent, Louis' mind went in overdrive, _HarryHarryHarry_ echoing in his brain, warm tingles spreading all the way to his toes that he was able to wiggle after a few minutes of being molded with Harry. Louis seriously feared his heat might come days earlier if he doesn't try to get away, but as soon as he tried, Harry's growl stopped him and he thought  _fuck it, fuck me_ and stayed positioned the way he swore he could stay for a thousand years.

When he mumbled that he had to get inside and give Zayn the food, another new name Harry had only now heard of, but Louis mentioned so many names he could barely keep track, Harry just moved so Louis was plastered to his side as he lead him towards the bar, giving the food to a dark haired Alpha whose head Harry wanted to separate from his body when he saw how close he leaned to Louis, whispered something in his ear, even kissed his forehead.

If it weren't for his years of self control practice, he would've turned to a ripper, but alas, he doubted Louis would appreciate the blood of his close friend on his new vans.

***

"I need to take a shower, I'll be right back." Louis said as they entered the cold apartment Harry swore was swaying on the wind.

The Alpha nodded, musing on whether he should follow the boy, knowing it would be much better for Louis with Harry's body heat in the tight space that sploshed down water that was on a good day, above 20 degrees.

In the end, he ripped his clothes off, opening the door to the bathroom, knowing Louis already sensed him, he stepped in into the small space with his boy who moved a little to make room for the Alpha, his eyes closed under the stream of water Harry could see was giving him goosebumps. 

Harry took a moment to admire the boy in front of him, the dainty features he's seen so many times, felt, touched, ravished, the lines of his body he could never get tired of.

He could never get tired of his body, his eyes, his smile, his voice, his personality that couldn't be defined by any law of Physics because the boy was so many things, Harry just couldn't categorize him, nor did he want to, the only thing he wanted is for Louis to always let him see this way, his happy, sad, crazy, angry, funny, horny, grumpy self, the whole of him, even though Harry was sure it was just a fraction of the human embodied explosion of stars that was standing in front of him.

But Louis let him in, slowly.

Louis let him see many sides of him.

He let him touch him.

He let him get close enough so he could feel the cold of Louis' skin against his, he could hear his heart skipping a beat when Harry's breath fanned over his neck, and his hands gently roamed over the boy's chest, hips, thighs. 

Even when Louis felt Harry aroused only at the sight of him, he only opened his eyes and smiled at Harry, stretching up to kiss Harry, oh so gently, his own hands finding their way to all the parts of Harry's body Louis knew left the Alpha trembling, because those were his weak spots, and it was  _Louis_ touching him and everything was just perfect, there in that small space as cold water sprayed over their heads where Louis felt hot despite the goosebumps because  _Harry_ was touching him,  _Harry_ was kissing him,  _Harry_ was holding him tightly, and his thighs were locked around Harry's hips, and his hands were in the Alpha's hair, his nails scratching his back with Harry enveloping him, his scent and his breath all around him.

  
Then, his finger that slowly roamed around his entrance, while Louis bit on Harry's shoulder, and suddenly, Harry was inside of him, his finger moving, Louis preening,  _moremoremore_ , he silently pleaded selfishly because there was nothing he ever felt quite so explosive as Harry inside him, Harry indulged him, adding as many fingers as he was able to control himself, stretching Louis up to the point where Louis himself couldn't feel any part of his body but the burn, the stretch and the pressure in his dick that was leaking pathetically as Louis got desperate and tried moving, fucking himself on Harry's fingers, an action that left Harry breathless, the sight of his boy so needy, desperate, wanting did things to his brain that lost its ability to function and moved all its force down to his dick when Louis whined softly  _'Harry, please, please..'_

 _'You're so pretty baby, so pretty...'_ the Alpha murmured into the boy's hair as he removed his fingers, positioning the head of his dick at Louis' entrance, trying to slowly sink in because there was nothing better in this world that the feeling of being buried in Louis' heat, stretching him, fucking his sweet spot until he was a blabbering mess asking for  _moremoremore,_ and who was Harry to deny his boy anything, really?

No one because Louis didn't deny  _him_ anything, and the amount of trust and affection he felt towards the boy was beautifully terrifying, but he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 _'beautiful, such a pretty boy, so good to me'_ Harry murmured as he pounded into Louis, coming inside him, Louis letting out a high pitched moan as he came, hot come splashing on their chests. 

They stayed for a while in a position that made Louis' thighs and brain hurt until he came down from his high, Harry plastering pepper kisses all over his face, Louis tiredly smiling at his beautiful Alpha, randomly thinking about how if the it is true that the life we life is only in his head, then he isn't that much of a horrible person if he was able to conjure up a Harry Styles.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos and the comments   
> i hope i don't ruin this  
> thank you  
> keep it up with the support don't stop i love it

_cut me open and tell me what's inside_

_***_

Louis' heat lasted three days, he was off his suppressants for two weeks which meant Zoloft roamed free through his veins, leaving him numb on the couch while Kevin patted his chest in search of food and Harry called his phone in search for a good fuck Louis wasn't in the mood for.

 Fynn had called, saying he should come by to their improvised clinic at least a day before so they could do all the tests they usually take before and after his heats which turns out into a ranting session on Fynn's part where he says he's done giving Louis poison that robs him of precious years of life. Once he even tried using his Alpha voice on Louis, hoping it'll convince the boy to stop being so self destructive, but Louis, Harry's sweet creature, had years of training his mind, locking up his Omega in a cage far behind, only letting it peak it's nose out when he felt sorry for the Omega, meaning he felt sorry for himself.

Only with his Alpha.

His persistent Alpha Louis despised. He hated Harry for what he was doing to him. Making him feel  _safe_ and  _protected_ and all these  _emotions_ he really didn't know what to do with because he was born and raised a despised Omega male in a family with an Alpha mother and an Omega father who were killed for loving each other's human qualities and didn't shy away from their primal instincts, because there was a pull from an Omega towards an Alpha, a wolf howling at a wolf from under the meat suit their human was covered in, a place they were safely tucked in, watching from behind the blinds as their human grew and developed, only caring about their well being, not interfering much until they were contacted by their own species, their own kind. 

Their wolves were selfish. Selfish for love, for their mate.

Human was the rational part of a person that brought decisions, studied until two a.m for a degree they're going to put under the counter of the fast food restaurant they were bound to end up at, crawled through the space of their urban surroundings, not really knowing how to act, how to deal with the pain and confusion, so they bottled it up, all the burden falling on their wolf's back. 

And the wolf meant protection, the wolf meant strength and unselfishness. 

Until they found their mate.

Until they found love.

Louis' parents were in love, their wolves were wild, possessive and vengeful. 

They were the type of people who would burn the world down to keep their mate warm and safe, away from all the suspicious looks.

That might be the reason they burned out, why they fought. Why they lost. 

But they burned with passion, and Louis would never blame them for that because they lived and died for their ideals, they lived and died for their mate.

*

While Louis lived in the shadows, shivering, cold, covered in three layers of sadness and ancient stardust that was wasted on a soft Omega who didn't want the burden of life weighing down on his shoulders.

It felt like he was staring at that one dark spot in his vision that had expanded with years, lulling him into the numbness he got used to and never wanted to be removed from. Never touched by any sleazy hand that was only bound to dissect his mind and leave disappointed when they scratched and were left with their nails bleeding, only to see that there was nothing under the pale complexion and sharp cheekbones. 

_Don't trust them._

_Don't turn in._

_Don't._

_Don't you dare._

The words Louis hissed at his Omega every time an Alpha approached, asking  _how're things going for ya sweetie_ , every time a Beta said they were amazed to see another fellow Beta (the pretentious twats, those Betas, always just assumed he wasn't an Alpha, because why would the mother nature grace such a tiny human with a powerful wolf, right? Their noses were never good enough to register the scent only Alphas could if they really looked for it so the only available option for them was  _Beta_ ) look so fragile yet so feisty, most Omegas he met weren't bothered by his existence.

Louis' inner wolf felt, rejected,  _hurt._

After awhile, it had had enough, shoving Louis' rational human to side, flipping him off when he screamed  _don't you dare don't you fucking dare_ and rushed into the arms of a certain emerald eyed Alpha who smelt of mint and chocolate and  _home_. 

The most heated discussions Louis ever lead were with Kevin and his Omega, and they mostly ended with,  _fucking hell, do you even care about anything else than food?_ and  _fucking hell, do you even care about anything else than the cock of that Alpha up your arse?_

If Kevin were to talk back he would probably say  _I like cuddles too._ His Omega's response wouldn't be much different either.

How could it? He knew his Omega felt safe in a place where it shouldn't. But damn, the feeling was good.

But as always, he kept in the back of his mind a reminder that just like everything, it won't last.

He was an unpresented Omega, Harry didn't know he was an Omega, Harry didn't care what he was as long as he could get a good moan out of him.

This was a dystopian world where people traded flesh and loved money.  _No one cares. No one._

_***_

"You  _really_ shouldn't have fucked my boss." Niall slumped down next to him on the couch Louis' been trying to melt into for the past few days.

"Hmm?" the Omega hummed, eyes bluntly on the ceiling.

" _Hmm?_ " the Irish backfired aggressivly, " _Hmm?!"_

"What the fuck are you hmming on me?! Go hmm at the crazy bastard that made me come to the office at 6 so we could start the shooting we had today, so we could finally put the miserable campaign we've been on for months to an end, only so he could go around and spread tension among everyone asking for a different model, asking for a different photographer even though the one that's been on was with us for  _years,_ saying there was too much make up on the girl's eyes, shitting around something about how he couldn't see her eyes... he said she looked like a panda! A fucking panda! The girl was somewhere between crying and slapping him, and I swear to lord almighty, I wasn't far behind myself."

Louis was numb, not dumb. He could feel the tension and anger and annoyance waving off Niall, he registered the words in the back of his mind, he heard Harry's name, and if he wasn't in a comatose state he might've chuckled. His Alpha sure was acting strange.

"I spilled coffee on my shirt, I had to be in a small room with a very unnerving Alpha and I didn't eat since yesterday. I am going to kill you Louis Tomlinson."

Louis didn't know why, but he liked the idea of it.

Niall moved through the room, opening the fridge in hope of finding something to eat, he might actually find something green in an organic labeled can. Harry was here two weeks ago. He brought yellow gummy bears, bananas, brussel sprouts and eggs.

Louis didn't know how long will it take for Zayn to come home. 

Someone had to feed the cat.

Someone had to bring in Roger the cactus, it was bound to freeze on the balcony. 

Someone had to tell Louis what time is it.

Someone had to tell Louis to get up. 

His brain was fuzzy, cotton like. 

He wasn't high. He was just exhausted, malnourished and under the influence of his happy pills. 

Those things have a way of messing up Louis sometimes.

If only someone helped him get up.

Where was Zayn again?

He would really like to take a smoke.

How long's it been since he had a smoke? 

He really needed a smoke.

 

"Louis! Answer the damn phone or I'll stick it up your arse!" Niall yelled, tossing the phone at him.

The thing landed on Louis chest and he waited two seconds before looking down at the vibrating object.

The screen was shining. Then it went black. Then it shined again. Then black again. 

"For fuck's sake, I will murder you both..." Niall mumbled, putting his feet on Louis' lap, pressing the phone against Louis' ear.

 _"Lou?"_ Louis' mind registered a familiar voice from a far distance. 

 _"Lou, babe, talk to me."_ the voice pleaded, making Louis feel nervous. 

_"Louis, I can hear you breathing, just tell me you're okay, please."_

Louis should really say something.

_"Baby. Please."_

It was weird, really. The Omega felt like a computer that's been plugged in and the electricity that connected his thoughts finally morphed together a HD picture of a voice that spoke to him.

"Hi Hazza." Louis croaked, his throat hurting from all the screaming he did for the previous week, all the tears and emotions that were standing there, waiting to spill.

 _"Fuck."_ Harry breathed out. 

"I'm okay Haz. How've you been?" Louis whispered, trying to make his voice cooperate, pleading it not to break.

He could hear the Alpha letting out a breathy laugh. The Omega smiled in his mind, knowing Harry was pacing the room with his left hand gripping his hair, a habit Louis teased will leave him bald before his next birthday.

_"I'm good, baby, really good."_

"That's good."

_"Yeah."_

"How was your day?"

_"Horrible. I think I'll get my own coffee for the next few months because Niall will probably poison it."_

"If you want to try real poison then try Zayn's coffee. 100% bitter acid that turns the left hemisphere of your brain on airplane mode for days."

_"Sounds refreshing."_

"Mhmm."

_"Hey, Lou?"_

"Yes, Hazza?"

_"Can I come over?"_

This was what lead on his Omega. The questions, the possibility of a choice, thoughtful actions and the whole picture that made it seem as if someone, an Alpha, could care. That an Alpha could care, that anyone would care for a Louis. 

Louis pitied his Omega. 

But he indulged it.

"Yeah." he whispered softly, "please come, Haz." 

***

Louis made Niall spray the flat with the neutralizer while he took a shower, trying to scrub off the feeling of needles in his veins, the feeling of a thousand spiders crawling on his skin, the sound of buzzing bugs in his brain and the pain he felt all over.

There were bruises and scratches on his thighs, dark and painful at touch.

He poked at them every time he got the chance.

Every time, his heats got worse.

His Omega being trapped and controlled by the pills for such a long time, crawled out and left a mess.

He never remembered those few days, he blacks out, lets his Omega get its way with him because he's been controlling his wolf for years, it was only fair for his Omega to get a break every now and then.

As a psychology student, he was quite fascinated with the process. He liked to think of himself as a puzzle with two pieces, the white, plain, human Louis, and his soft Omega side that went berserk every time it had to spend yet another heat without an Alpha. 

It's been awhile since Louis actually got aroused to the full extent during his heats. It was mostly just his Omega trying to claw out, or scratch Louis' brains back into his skull, he wasn't sure.

_Not everyone is like them._

_you don't know that._

_I do. Have some hope._

_hope? harry? hope? harry? hope? harryharryharry_

It was stupid, really.

But it was his reality. No matter how many times he says to himself that people are there to use him, to rob him of the most intimate parts of himself as it was done to him before, when he was left on a bed, split in half, open, raw, vulnerable, bleeding, dead, violated, raped,

there comes a glimmer of hope, knocking on the wooden door with peeling white paint of his moldy flat, there comes a wave of  _safety_ and  _worry_ as hope in the shape of a lean Alpha, (an Alpha Louis likes to call his, mostly in his mind, sometimes whispering into his Alpha's soft skin when he lays next to him on a cold night, wrapping him tightly into his embrace so he doesn't feel the cold, the wind, the blood, only the big ball of something shining through his dark spots that've been on his brain since he could remember, and he must admit the _light, home, hope, harry_ , were all synonyms really) crashes into him, whispering  _you're okay, you're okay_ into his hair, softening Louis' hard heart for only a second as he replies  _I'm okay, I'm okay._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are some spelling mistakes i was not able to detect, that's for sure.  
> if you read this til the end, you'll see more of those.  
> but don't mind that, read the story and ignore a few wandering letters and improper grammar.  
> COMMENTS, KUDOS MEAN THE LIFE

_I like the way you hold yourself and I'd like you to hold me_

_***_

 

There are many things Harry Styles regretted in his life, because like every human, he made mistakes like driving over the speed limit, not responding to important emails, rejecting his mother's calls, saying  _it'll be alright_ when he knew it won't, snapping at his assistant when the Omega did nothing wrong, eating the last bagel in the office.

But there is nothing he regretted more throughout his life than being a stupid fool blinded by happiness and luck.

Louis, his sweet creature the Heaven had blessed him with, was the most important source of happiness for the overworked Alpha. Louis was everything anyone would want in a person, with his understanding yet explosive personality where all the softness and edginess met in the cerulean eyes of a dove feathered human. 

Harry might've been too selfish, bathing in the boy's attention, in his sweet touch, musical laugh and thoughtful personality.

He only noticed something was wrong, something was missing when Louis disappeared. 

And Louis disappeared a lot.

Harry wasn't Louis' Alpha, because Louis wasn't an Omega, even though there was a certain pull towards a spot at the base of the boy's neck that called out for Harry's Alpha to bite, lick, mark, so he had no right to ask Louis where he was going, especially when the boy seemed to feel that their relationship wasn't that important so he had to inform Harry of his whereabouts. Which sort of hurt, really.

His Alpha was angry and possessive.

Harry felt hurt, lost.

And under the influence of alcohol and frenzy hormones, that combination was deadly.

On one particular night, (4th in a row he hadn't heard anything about Louis), he decided to leave his flat and go wherever his body chose.

It ended up being in a club he hadn't visited for months, because Harry was never the one for clubs unless he wanted to get drunk or look for an easy lay.

Passing by the bouncer was the usual ritual of a nod from the bulky bald man that smelt of everything you didn't want to smell while you were beaten unconscious, while he passed through the crowd towards his usual booth that always seemed to attract slutty Omegas and arrogant Betas, just like now, when a tall brunette Beta stood in front of him, smirking seductively, not waiting for him to make a move before she came closer and started swaying her body in the rhythm of the music, reaching out for Harry who was left with no coherent thought in his muffled brain, she put his hands on her hips, and they started dancing, grinding, hands roaming over each other's bodies, lips smashing, moving. 

Harry forgot everything, where he was, why was he there, all he could think about was a warm body in front of him that wasn't radiating the heat he had grown used to, the smell of vanilla in his nostrils, too strong, too sweet, too far from the fresh, flowery scent his Alpha craved lately, the touch, too firm, too needy, not careful, not soft, not touching any of his weak spots, his body too used to the touch of a small, delicate hand leaving him trembling only with the touch of a hand,  _through his shirt._

A set of teeth grazing over his throat woke Harry from his haze when his Alpha growled in disgust, because,  _only one person_ was allowed to own him that way.

Pushing the girl carefully he whispered something about getting a drink and directed her towards his booth, because damn him and his Alpha and damn those soft delicate hands that dared to leave their mark burning into his skin, then disappearing without a trace, without caring, but still taking their claim, even though they weren't present. 

Fuck it if he wasn't going to try to endure this night of something different,  _someone_ different, because he needed it. He needed a cure for his illness, that came and go, that made him feel secure and strong only to come again, attacking his brain, plotting with his inner Alpha against him.

His mind had to be clear, his body had to be satisfied, no matter the means, no matter how he achieved it, because, fuck everything.

He stopped by the bar to order  _the usual_ , opting to wait for his drink, because, even though he'd never admit it, he needed to be under the influence in order to do what he planned to do.

Before he could even roll his eyes at the absence of the bartender something deep inside him clawed through the fascade when he saw Louis,  _his_ Louis, sitting on the bar, facing away from the crowd that didn't seem to be interested much in his tiny presence, legs dangling from the counter, while a dark haired, tattooed Alpha stood between his legs, talking to the bartender, one hand on Louis' thigh where a piece of paper laid and the Alpha drew patterns (patterns Harry wanted to drill into the dark man's skull while his brain leaked through his ears), while a familiar looking Omega leaned over to what the man was drawing, nodding along whatever he was saying.

"Niall, fancy seeing you here." Harry decided on a more civilized approach because he thought Louis wouldn't appreciate being in the center of attention while Harry painted the walls with the blood of people who were talking to the boy (Harry wanted to rip their tongues out), breathing his scent (Harry wanted to choke them), bathing in Louis' attention, his eyes deep, dark under the poor lightning of the club, sad, but focused. But not on Harry, not for awhile now, and Harry's Alpha was growling, irritated. 

His assistant jumped at the sound of Harry's voice, even though it was such a low, cold tone.

"Mr. Styles." the Omega nodded, smiling.

Harry could see that he got the attention of the boy he wanted, even though he was still too close to the unknown Alpha for Harry's liking.

"Harry." Louis greeted silently but oh so loud to Harry's Alpha who purred at the attention, his gaze shifting to Harry, and Harry felt his demeanor soften, how could it not, an entire galaxy of pale blue specks in Louis' eyes were pointed towards him and it felt like a meteor shower, it felt thrilling, it felt like it always felt when around Louis - breathtaking. 

"Louis." 

 "You came alone, Mr. Styles?" Niall asked, after what felt a century of looking at Louis. It just might, time is a funny thing, and Harry was sure Nirvana was achieved for the first time a long time ago, or a second ago, when one of Louis' reincarnations or, maybe, this particular one, stared into the eyes of Buddha and the reality dissolved, leaving the poor man then, and Harry now, at the mercy of those eyes that carried ancient sadness.

"Yes, I did." Harry said, looking back towards Niall, trying to get down from his high, his high that was Louis, the boy that left him breathless and in much mind blowing state than any drug could.

"Oh, you could join us? We're not much of a funny crowd, though we could try to entertain you." Niall tried, but was interrupted by the soft chuckle of the bartender that was looking softly at Louis, the apparent reason of his amusement.

Harry had to control his animalistic instinct that tried to take over his mind, that screamed at him to rip the bartender's throat out because... there was no logic explanation as to why Harry's inner demons wanted to harm anyone that tried to approach Louis, but he reckoned it was just something ugly, the possessiveness and jealousy Louis unlocked one day and then left from time to time, and the ugly, black thing grew into a wild beast with big shiny eyes, sharp teeth and no common sense, and Harry had to control himself, even though it was one of the most difficult things in his life, he tried to reasonably, as humanly as possible, detach Louis from those people and glue the boy to himself and carry him off into his cabin in the woods where they would be happy and secure in the basement. 

"I wouldn't like to intrude, be-"

"You wouldn't be intruding Harry, if there's no one you'd rather be spending your time with at the moment, which Niall hadn't took into consideration, then we'd be happy to take care of you when you're pissed and brawling on the floor." Louis smiled sweetly, looking pointedly at Niall for a second, his eyes shifting to Harry, then to the girl waiting at the back of the club, and back at Harry.

It made his Alpha feel itchy.

And quite impressed, if he was being honest.

The boy had noticed him and the girl. 

But spoke in such a way that left Harry's brain all mushy and weird. 

Harry felt  _guilty_ but Louis didn't sound upset at all, and that upset Harry a great deal because he was all over that Beta, and Louis  _saw_ and said  _nothing_ while Harry wanted to make a teeth collection of a person that touched a clothed part of his boy's body.

"Oh. Fuck.. I mean, sorry, yeah." Niall apologized, supporting Louis' words, "didn't think about that. Sorry. Whatever, you go on, have fun, go get some." Niall continued, unsure, looking between Harry and Louis, visibly cringing.

"No, you can't take back your offer." Harry smirked, trying to pull himself together, and pull his boy's attention to himself as well, "I want to be taken care of when I'm on the floor, before I start spitting my deepest darkest secrets to the bartender."

Louis' face hadn't changed, he was still the same kind, inviting, understanding, confusing Louis he was ten seconds ago when he pushed Harry towards the girl, who Harry hoped will get tired of waiting and not come looking for him. He'd hate to be rude.

"Don't worry Haz, I'll stop you right before you start talking about your sexual fantasies about your goldfish." Louis smirked and Harry choked on air, because this boy...  _he doesn't even own a goldfish._

That was the night Harry met Zayn, who he already knew vaguely from the bits and pieces Louis slipped sometimes. 

It's not that Louis ever hid anything from Harry, Harry was pretty sure the boy wasn't even aware of how secretive and closed off he was.

"For how long has Zayn fancied Niall then?" Harry had asked when him and Louis went to grab something to eat in a greasy place no one enters during the day except hobos and Louis.

"I'm surprised you noticed." Louis chuckled, "It's been awhile, four years this month."

"You keeping track?" 

"Yes." Louis replied simply.

"Why?"

"Because I need to have a reminder for when Zayn's rut is due."

"I'm sorry, what? What does that have to do with..." 

"Niall was the one who ticked Zayn's rut four years ago, on December 30th at 4.23 am." the boy said as he entered the small space with foggy windows and permanent smell of grease in the mustard colored cushioned chairs.

"And why do you possess the exact information?" Harry wondered.

"Because - yes, just fries, thank you, would you like something, Harr- no?, okay - because", Louis continued as he took the fries and started towards the exit, waving to the pimpled boy that served them, "Zayn was with me when Niall ran into my room naked, drunk off his arse at 4.23 am on December 30th four years ago."

It might've been something Harry could laugh at if it were someone else than Louis saying he was alone with an Alpha in his room, with another naked man entering, ticking the said Alpha's rut, posing danger to the both of them. 

The low growl made Louis look at the Alpha curiously, nipping at his fries, eyes unfocused.

"What's bothering your inner puppy?" he asked playfully nudging his shoulder, as if they were  _friends._

"First, you calling a manly Alpha a puppy," Harry huffed, pretending to be annoyed, when in fact he was endeared because this boy was  _endearing,_ "and second," the Alpha coughed, "the thought of you and an unmated Omega being in the same room as an Alpha in rut."

"Zayn wasn't about to hurt neither me or Niall." Louis shrugged it off, snuggling into Harry who had his hand draped over the smaller boy's shoulders.

"You don't know that, he could've. You got lucky, I don't even know how, to be honest. An Alpha's first rut when he doesn't know what's going on, and an Omega, or any warm body near them and a frightened Omega that tries to give itself to an Alpha because of an instinct and not willingly..." Harry frowned, tightening his hold on Louis, trying to defend him from the nonexistent danger, comforting himself by breathing in the boy's smell that was contaminated with something heavy, something he probably picked at the club, something Harry didn't want to think about.

"Zayn knew what was happening, and Niall wasn't aware of anything because I locked Zayn in the bathroom, sprayed two bottles of neutralizer over him and took Niall home." 

Questions from  _How did Zayn know what was happening to him? How did you control an Alpha in a rut? How did you dare going out with a drunk Omega at such an hour outside? to Why did you even have neutralizer in your room? and What happened when you returned home?_ went through Harry's mind but he didn't ask anything because they were interrupted by an unfamiliar Beta whom Louis talked to briefly, saying to Harry that he can go ahead and wait him in the club or by the entrance, thinking Harry will actually listen and let him go all alone, now that he finally got the sight of the boy that disappeared like a fucking ghost, but he endulged him, making him think he was going to do as said, making him think he was safe from Harry's sharp gaze, making him think Harry hadn't followed him to the gas station where Louis nodded to the cashier and continued to go towards the closet room, the Beta at his heels, making him think he hadn't used his strong hearing, and smell to hear and smell the trade that was made between the Beta and his soft, genderless, innocent boy who traded a bag of weed, the heavy smell Harry now had to think about, as well as the unfocused eyes and lightness in Louis' tone he has heard before but never thought about, for a bag of pills that looked like Xanax but smelled like something Harry smelled only once in his Gender Studies class in college. 

 

There are many things Harry Styles regretted in his life, because like every human, he made mistakes. 

But there was nothing he regretted more than being blinded by his happiness, not seeing the lost boy in front of him, because he didn't see the signs the boy had hidden so well under his dresser, in a fucking  _safe,_ pills, prescriptions, papers and documents proving to Harry how useless of an Alpha had he been for not seeing a beautifully broken  _Omega_ in the eyes that reflected every happy thought of Harry's but showed nothing that happened inside, because Louis' eyes were deep and lonely as the deepest ocean that reflects light on the surface, but hides something deep down, all the creatures everyone was bound to scream upon seeing. 

Except Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU LIKE IT?  
> COMMENTS AND KUDOS MEAN THE LIFE


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, your comments and kudos were really, really, really helpful.  
> made me feel really special ya know *blushes*  
> keep it up, pleeeeeaseeee (not only with my story, with every story you read because it helped me quite a lot to see that people like and read my story so i reckon it must be the same for everyone else.)  
> FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART THANK YOU <3

Louis was tired. Really, really tired. 

But hoping for rest while being Louis Tomlinson was pushing it. 

He honestly didn't even know why was he attending his classes since all it resulted in was two jobs to pay the tuition and a major headache over the textbooks he somehow managed to get half priced from a hysteric Beta that left the course back in October in favor of marrying a hippie Alpha who owned a flower shop and a marijuana field in his backyard. 

He liked the career he was pursuing and to a rational mind it would be a delightful future, as a social worker or a therapist, and Louis was qualified for a therapist, not just because of his degree, but because, as he scientifically observed, every person in his class was there because they genuinely cared for their studies (or they thought getting a medical degree would be too much of a bother), seeing a somewhat bright future because you can't go wrong with social studies.

(Louis wanted to scream at them to stop being so stupid because working with people, being around people is overwhelming and they'll regret it two minutes into a case of a drunk abusive parent and a bruised child with a broken arm and a void in their eyes, but then again, he was on the same road as them... 

It didn't mean he wasn't scared shitless of everything. 

He did hate talking to people, communicating with them, but then again, he knew there were people who needed help, just like he once did. Or maybe still does even though he will push that thought to the back of his mind along with all the waste of his brain.

"Disconnect. Be professional. Have in mind that you are there to do your job, and your job is to help that person. You have to be an anchor for them, and, you might think it's stupid to even mention it, but you can't let it affect you. You are there to help.  _Disconnect._ " the voice of professor Gilbert echoed through Louis' caffeine overdosed brain. 

 _"I want to disconnect your head from your body, you sadistic motherfucker."_ he heard a voice two seats next to him mumble and it made him smirk. 

Yes.

Because, all this mantra is something a text book social worker would say to their students, someone who never encountered an actual person in need, someone who associates detached patients with three types of dissociative disorders and abusive parents with Freud and their own existence a blessing because they're transferring all that ancient wisdom to someone.  

You can't just  _disconnect._

Or at least Louis couldn't. 

He cared, he wanted to help and he hurt for those people. The people that needed him. If he turns into a bitter, souless robot two years into his career he vowed to chop his head off. 

That is, if he ends up in that area, which, if someone asked Harry (no one asked Harry) he will not. 

Sometimes when Louis felt especially cranky, needy and selfish, he'd call Harry over just to  _talk._

He knew it was cruel, leading a man on that way, making him hope for sex then ending up on the floor of a room as big as Harry's bathroom (Louis assumed, since he never really went to Harry's) bundled with blankets because the heater broke two days after the flat was built, Louis reckoned, with a clingy Omega on your shoulder and a ball of fluff on your lap. 

Harry was too much of a gentleman to push Louis and Kevin off him, so he indulged him, cuddling the Omega, nuzzling into his neck, sighing into his hair, making Louis' Omega ecstatic without even realizing it because the last time an Alpha willingly kissed his forehead without making it a show just to lick into Louis' mouth, and hugged him tightly and petted his back was when his mother was still alive. (Not counting Zayn) 

Louis appreciated Harry so much.

Even though he was an Alpha and never lived through the things Louis did, and was genuinely surprised when Louis mentioned just snippets of how it was for the unprivileged, he tried to understand and act outraged (which was not an act because he  _was_ outraged when a half naked Omega with too much make up and too much perfume offered to take care of him right in front of Louis' door. Harry was lucky Louis came out and waved the Omega off with  _Candice, for Heaven's sake, not here. Rick said he'll rip you to shreds if you come with another pup of a mated Alpha. Go to Greg's, I hear the nice crowd's there tonight, some fancy gathering._ Harry was standing minutes after the giggly Omega left, stunned, so Louis had to drag him into the flat, not before laughing his arse off at Harry's face.

_"Oh, was the big bad Alpha afraid of getting harassed by the underground's most precious flower? "_

_"Wha-"_

_"Don't worry love, Candice and I have an understanding, she won't touch you. And I doubt she would willingly if she weren't so desperate."_

_"I don't know if you just insulted me or not."_

_"No, no. It has nothing to do with you, just her daily quota. "_

_"Daily quota of what?"_

_Louis didn't know whether he should roll his eyes or laugh at the oblivious Alpha._

_"Of rich bulky Alphas, of course."_

_Harry's eyes went wide, his chest rumbling with a quiet growl._

_"Why? And how do you know about that? And... why did you.. why did you know where to send her? "_

_His Alpha's eyes were getting suspiciously darker as he approached, but Louis shrugged it off._

_"Well, you can't expect someone to live in an area like this and not know what's going around, love. She's got an Alpha who pays her in anything she wants, usually two grams per Alpha, but she's keen on a sack of mollies lately, that girl, I swear..." the Omega chuckled obliviously while Harry still stood, shaking._

_"Zayn said there was a posh party two blocks from here, so she might catch an Alpha who's smart enough to carry protection since underground events are filled with horny, infidelious Alphas who want to let off some steam but still don't want to catch something from a street worker. She's better off there."_

_Louis hoped she'd be okay, he really did. Candice was a nice person, the brownies she made..._

_"Anyway-" Louis started, only to realize his Alpha was flushed against his chest, his hands bruising Louis' hips, but he didn't mind the grip, he minded the look on Harry's face. Louis was really good at reading people's actions and emotions from their faces, but Harry's.... never._

_"Are you alright, love? Did this disturb you? Want some tea? Do you want to leave?" he cupped the Alpha's face, searching his eyes worriedly. Maybe he should't have shared that with Harry._

_Louis sometimes forgot to turn on his filter when with the Alpha because he forgot who he was talking to, everyone he knew was used to living in the dirt, bathing in it, throwing others into it. Louis appreciated the fact that even though he knew what was going on and knew people who were balls deep into their graves, he was secure, protected. Why, that, he didn't know. Might have to do something with Zayn's reputation of an underground daddy who'll kill anyone who comes near Louis, or Louis being acquainted with everyone, being on first name basis with the guy who dealt for Amy Winehouse._

_"Louis... Did you... Were you ever like.." the words were coming out of the Alpha as if someone was pulling them, "Were you ever like that woman?"_

_Louis froze._

_Should he be insulted that an Alpha he was quite fond of him asked if the man he was fucking regularly whored around?_

_Louis never thought lowly of Candice for being that way, he worried, yes, and didn't approve, but all he could do for an adult who chose that lifestyle was ask if she could cover for his shift from time to time and take her to regular check ups at Fynn's._

_He never asked Harry if he was fucking anyone besides him, because it was none of his business, and they weren't exclusive, and he knew that Harry's possessive growls during sex and him whispering 'mineminemine' was just his Alpha side showing, but he couldn't help but feeling a bit hurt._

_"Harry, you know I'm clean." he tried to reassure the Alpha, unsuccesfully._

_"That is not what I asked, Louis." Harry growled, making Louis' Omega whine._

_"I thought you knew you're the only one I'm having sex with at the moment, Harry." Louis ignored his Omega and pulled out his human rationality, but not even that could explain the noises Harry was making, as if he was angry._

_Louis was really confused._

_"At this moment." Harry gripped his chin firmly, anger flashing in his eyes, "and every that's to come. Understand?"_

_Louis wanted to nod, say that it's true, he was only his. But.._

_"You flatter me by thinking anyone but you would want me, Alpha." he chuckled._

_"You shouldn't make assumtions about my promisciouty if I never said anything about your romantic life outside this thing we have."_

_"This thing we have..." Harry laughed bitterly, turning away, covering his face in his hands, and for a second Louis felt scared._

_"What has possessed that thick head of yours to make it think that I would ever seek out something only you can give me?"_

_"Harry, we never said... I never said you couldn-"_

_"No, you didn't! But now I'm saying it, alright?" Harry stalked towards the window, visibly shaking with anger._

_"What?"_

_"Louis, I didn't mean to insult you..." regret flashed in Harry's face, "it's hard.. not to make assumptions when I see you, such a beautiful thing surrounded with all this... I'm so scared that one day you'll slip and drown in all this... and that's something I won't survive, petal."_

_The Omega felt sorry, wanted to comfort his Alpha even though he didn't know why._

_"It's okay, Harry, I'll let you know if anything happens that should worry you."_

_He does care about his Alpha's safety and his poor state of mind would never survive seeing him hurt._

_"You worry me, petal, always." the Alpha whispered, nuzzling into his neck, breathing in just above his mating spot, bringing a sense of comfort over Louis, who felt at peace, standing in the middle of his flat with an iron grip of an Alpha on his body and his own hands scratching his Alpha's scalp._

 

"Alright, before the oral part of the exam we will have a visit to the real world, and for everyone who aspire to be a part of the world of gore that is our social system will have a part in it so prepare." the professor said before walking out without sparing his students a glance, the fact that no one noticed or cared was quite amusing.

Before gathering his things and stalking through the exist with his signature, head down earphones in pose, he checked his phone, seeing there was a call from Harry, which was strange since he was pretty sure he told the Alpha he won't be able to meet up today.

Even before exiting, he felt his presence from over the parking lot, the unmistakable smell of mint and cinnamon and dark curls and hot Alpha screamed at Louis to come over, unnecessarily might he add since his feet started in the Alpha's direction before his mind had time to agree to it. 

"What are you doing here?" the boy muffled from under Harry's shoulder where he was squeezed as soon as the Alpha smelled him approaching.

"I'm hungry." the Alpha said as he lead his Omega to passenger seat, opening the doors for him, making Louis roll his eyes at the Alpha's action. 

"I'm pretty sure you have a certain Irish person to take care of such trivialities." Louis continued to pout when Harry entered the car and buckled both their seat belts, making the Omega roll his eyes far into his skull which ended in a glare from the older man.

"That certain Irish person came in running late into the office today with a coffee stain on his shirt, looking like seven layers of hell." Harry spoke as he drove off, letting Louis meddle with the radio, settling on something different every time, Harry quite enjoyed that part of riding with the Omega. To be fair, Harry enjoyed every second he spent with the Omega, even before he knew he was an Omega. Nothing has changed in two days.

"Yeah... Don't nag him about it, will you?" Louis chuckled uneasily.

"I won't." Harry said plainly.

"You won't?" the Omega asked hopefully.

"No, I'm not a robot and neither is he, I've had my bad days, he's allowed to have his. Though, my bad days were mostly because I was out acting out against my father at the age young people usually do that, and his reasons are far more honorable, don't you think?"

"You talk as if you're 50, Harold." the Omega flatted.

"34, 50, trivialities. The point of my reasons for not lashing out on Niall were pretty obvious though. As were your intentions of evading the topic."

"I don't understand?" Louis' eyebrows furrowed in sincere confusion and Harry just wanted to smash his head against the steering wheel.

"You know how easy it is to get information out of sleep deprived Niall?" the Alpha continued, deciding on a different approach.

"Does Niall possess any national security information worth getting?" Louis tensed a little, barely noticeable. To anyone but the man who's been studying the way every hair on his body sways on the wind.

"I don't plan on killing the president or start a revolution any time in the future, and even if I did, I wouldn't be going to Niall to get the information." Harry continued randomly, stopping at the red light, turning towards his Omega.

"I'd go to your friend Zayn." 

Louis paled.

"Zayn?" 

" _Le Magicien._ " Harry smirked devilishly. 

"Harry. I have no idea what you are talking about right now." Louis spoke, his voice leveled, a skill Harry truly admired. No matter how long he was in the business, sometimes his emotions got the better of him. Louis, never. Harry hated it. He felt as if he were pulling Louis' nails out the boy wouldn't make a sound, his face wouldn't change. And Harry hated the fact that Louis had that ability.

"A few days ago, I've learned about one of the most famous underground dogs, a mysterious man very few people have seen in person. They say he's got eyes of a devil, dark, empty, cold. One of my father's old friends went as far as to say he was Lucifer's most beautiful reincarnation. Just as beautiful and just as soulless." 

"Don't you just love the urban legends people on high positions think of about the underground people? It's all too dirty for them to touch, but oh so exciting." Louis commented, his voice void of emotion.

"That's why there's no fine line between the worlds. The rich and the poor are tightly connected, even though it's not a visible line, it's still there." 

"We're all in the same filth, bathing in the same sin." Louis all but whispered, looking in front of himself, not even caring where the Alpha was driving him. 

Harry didn't know where he was going either.

"But we're all going to pay for that sin." the Alpha licked his lips in frustration. He wasn't much of a politician and all this speaking in codes was tiring him out.

"That notorious man will pay for all the things he did just like the people who hired him to do all those terrible things."

"Notorious." Louis chuckled dryly.

"Yes. Don't you think killing someone in cold blood is notorious? Would you be able to look into someone's eyes as the life out of them was drying out? Wouldn't you feel guilty for ruining the lives of a family whose father was found pinned to the wall of his bedroom in nothing but a bathrobe?" Harry's blood was starting to boil. He was thinking of the things he's heard and the pictures he's seen, and the thought of Louis being near all that made him want to cut  _someone_ 's throat.

"That's very specific." the Omega looked at him with a raised brow, his coldness frustrating Harry even more.

"Yes, that's the latest crime of the man I was talking about. It was mentioned in the papers two months after the crime, and everyone thinks it was because the man had connections that delayed the publication. And that surprises me greatly because the man he killed was a very prominent figure in the revolution a few years back. You must've heard of it, it caused quite a stir, all the protests that started off peacefully and ended up in mass shootings uncovered the true intentions of the so called revolutionaries. As I heard it had nothing to do with the gender equality as they preached, it was a political riot that was financed from the States and had as its goal the collapse of the system." Harry sighed, remembering all the things he's read while he was in college, and his mother calling him before his lectures, complaining how his father had so much business to attend these days, she barely saw him over the afternoon tea. He hadn't tried her new ginger bread recipe, she said. It tasted so good, Charlotte quit her diet because the smell only was so intoxicating. 

It was a good recipe, Harry had to admit that, he still used it to this day.

"Well that's just a load of information you stumble upon while sorting out your new underwear collection models' portfolios." Louis chuckled sarcastically.

Harry bit his lip, troubled. He hated this game of hide and seek. He should be able to talk to his Omega without any secrets. But then again, this wasn't his Omega and Louis has been hiding things from him. 

Lord help him.

"A catch up with an old friend of my father's, as I said. We started talking and some things he said just interested me." 

"Ah, yes, the monthly reporting of interesting shootings, rape cases and violent murders from the underworld to Kensington lords."

"I feel as if you're making fun of me. Why do I feel like you're making fun of me?" Harry squinted at the Omega, ordering their meals at a drive through even Louis glared at him, like he did every time Harry paid anything.

"Because I am making fun of you, Mr. I Was The Inspiration For The Riot Club." Louis said as a matter of factly, refusing Harry's chicken burger in order to sip on the orange juice he loved. He loved oranges. And lemons. And peaches. But oranges the most. He liked to imagine that every sip of the orange juice colored his insides. The reds and pinks of his intestines he found rather dull. 

"I told you already, I went to Cambridge." Harry mumbled.

"And ended up on the top of a team that supervises half naked people in front of the camera." Louis smiled sweetly, "Good job."

"I did that when I was an intern. Now, I don't even meet those people, we're not even in the same part of the building." the Alpha felt a need to defend himself.

"I'm far away from the half naked people who pose in front of the camera, Louis."

He decided to pull up in order to look Louis in the eye and make his statement believable.

Why?

He just did.

The sudden stop made Louis' eyes widen and look confusedly at Harry who was staring at him intently on the parking lot of a fast food restaurant not far from Louis' building.

"Wha'?" the Omega asked dumbly.

Harry's intense gaze started to scare him.

"Do you remember, at the beginning of this relationship when I implied that you were... how to put it..." the Alpha stopped for an unnecessary dramatic pause, "a whore, and you slapped me for it, saying I should not make assumptions and after that you said I was the only one you were in any sort of relationship with for the first time in five years?" 

"Yes?" Louis did remember. He didn't necessarily make a connection with the current situation but he'd indulge the Alpha.

"And since I practically asked you to do that, to devote yourself only to me, physically at least," Harry said bitterly, "do you not think that implies I'm obliged to do the same?"

"Well..." Louis started carelessly, licking his lips, "I never asked you to, did I? I mean... I am not a fan of polygamy so I don't involve myself in more than one relationship at time, and I found you worthy enough to break my short celibacy for, so yeah... But I never asked you to devote yourself completely to me, Harry. No one expects you to shout off the rooftops that you're fucking some anonymous guy, that would only get you the unwanted pap attention." 

Louis put his hand on Harry's knee, hoping to comfort the Alpha but the touch, the intention behind it angered the Alpha more than Louis could ever imagine. 

Harry was angry at the world for being the way it was, for being an Alpha, for being rich, at the moment he hated his parents for giving him everything he ever needed in his life and more, he was angry at Louis for being so, so stupid. 

"Do you hear yourself Louis?" Harry whispered dangerously, making Louis flinch.

"I..I don't und-" 

"I see that! I see that you don't understand, god damn it!" the Alpha raked a hand through his hand, willing his inner wolf to calm down because if any harm came to the Omega, and Harry causing it, he would quite possibly end his life. (Talk about dramatic)

"Louis, look at me." he took the Omega's face into his hands, focusing entirely on his blue, blue eyes, "I want you. No one else."

Louis nodded, not knowing how else to react to the outburst, still holding the juice in his hand, thinking how awful it would be if he squeezed the cup and the juice went flying into Harry's face.

Would it anger him even further or would it ease the tension he felt building up? 

Louis' inner instincts were screaming at him to run because something was about to happen but it was quite difficult to run when your face was sandwitched between the paws of an Alpha who could make him fly across the room with one single sway of his hand.

"I have been with you and no one else since the day I met you. And I want to be with you only, not only because we have sex, but because I want to  _be with you._ "

Louis let out a surprised sigh, eyebrows furrowing.

"I know, I know what you're thinking right now. It took me awhile to figure that out, you know?" the Alpha chuckled, " All your quirks. You have so many. And most of them are yellow." Harry softened.

"But the most difficult thing to figure out about you, Louis Tomlinson, is the way your brain works. It feels sometimes as if you changed your skin over the night, you know. One day you're confident and sarcastic and energy and everything shiny and explosive... The next day you're dark and gloomy and you sit in your underwear in the middle of December on your balcony, painting sunflowers, smoking your lungs out. It would be really nice if you stopped smoking, by the way. I know you won't but still... Just a suggestion." Harry sighed, caressing his thumb over the curve of Louis' cheekbone.

"I've been trying, I still am, to figure everything out, to connect all the dots. And, it's been fun so far. You're such an enigma, every time I see you there's something new I find out, be it either the fact that you hate the scent of vanilla but love the vanilla ice cream or just the way your hair seems to darken when you're sad. Everything I've seen and found, touched, so far has captivated me. I have looked at you in millions of ways and loved each sight. Everything except the fact that I can see there's more to you and you're not letting me see that. There's always the shadow of a secret behind you, Lou. And I hate it. I hate the fact that you crawl into your ice made shell and don't talk to me, don't answer my calls for days. You just disappear, then come back when I least expect it, with a bruise on your ribs. With no explanation. Because you think I don't need one? I don't deserve one? Maybe I don't. But I'm selfish, and I want one. I want you, I want to know where you're going, not to tell you not to go, but to tell you to be safe on your way back. To call me when you get there. To tell you I miss you. Because I do, I miss you so much, on the days when you're not with me and the days you get back and you're absent, and the days I see you tired but still trying to talk to me and cheer  _me_ up when you're the one who needs my comfort. You're not just my fuck toy, as I know you think you are." 

Harry tried to light a metaphorical fire in his eyes to melt the ice in Louis', and it seemed to be working because the boy was standing still, breath coming out in silent exhales, eyes fuzzy, darker than they've ever been.

"Do you understand me, Louis? You are mine, my friend, my Omega, my love, my everything. And it hurts me to see you in pain, to see you hide from me. Please, don't."

The ice has melted. Louis has shed a tear. 

Or two.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like, i love y'all for opening this.

"Why Louis?"

He wasn't yelling, the tone of his voice was desperate, his face was different from any emotion Louis has witnessed so far.

He didn't like it one bit. He'd rather have Harry yelling at him than speak in this tortured whisper.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Harry breathed out miserably.

"You know. Tell me why, Louis, please. I don't- No lies. Please..." The Alpha sounded tired beyond comprehension, "please, just tell me the truth."

Louis wanted to say that he's never lied to the Alpha but held back. He knew not saying things was considered lying.  
Wasn't it? Is there a scale? If there was he would be on the top of it. Or bottom.

"There's not much to say, really. It's not a long story."

Harry wanted to say that it isn't true, that there's so much to say about Louis, that he could write books about the way the curve of his eyelashes but remained quiet. He was ready to take a vow to stay mute for the rest of his life if it meant Louis would speak. Or just stand in front of him, silent as well, just stand. It was dangerously depending and the fact that Harry wasn't scared by his devotion to the boy didn't surprise him at all. His emotions seemed... Relieving. Pure. The Alpha was calm.  
Louis didn't know what to do with the silence. It was a new kind of silence for him - trusting, Harry trusted him to do whatever he wanted to with it. It scared the Omega, shook him to his core, the amount of trust and choice he had at that moment. And the fact that he knew if he made the wrong choice, it would mean he would make a wall between himself and the man in front of him, it would stand like a barricade, a shield, one of the things he's used to having around, but right now, he knew it would feel suffocating because he wanted to be as near as possible to the Alpha, no walls, no secrets, no distances, just pure, primal connection he was afraid of. It hurt how much his heart was pounding in fear, anticipation. It was the first time in awhile he wanted to say the right thing and not scare someone away or disgust someone. He wanted to make Harry smile, be good for him, be an Omega for him.

He shivered at the thought.

It was in his nature to yield, but his rationality always stood in the way, like a dark cloak covering an old closet that held old cursed objects in a hidden compartment in a wooden drawer with dark lilies carved into the surface that were once an epitome of elegance, but over the years turned into an awful brown and green, with a peeling lead paint over it.

It was all or nothing, Harry being Louis' all.

"I was always a small child, you know.." He began with a monotone voice, digging through the dirt of his memories, completely losing connection with presence,

"Sometimes it was annoying, especially when all the other boys seemed to grow with age, develop muscles, smelling like gym and axe and girls they've been snogging after every school game. I wasn't bullied for my size, people found it entertaining.  
No one really thought about me in any other way than what I was. Weird Tomlinson boy who needed a stool to climb the top shelf and always had paint in his hair. Some thought of me as pretentious for the way I spoke, the things I liked. Some thought I was too girly, some thought I was an abomination, especially when I presented, some took pity on my family for having two Alpha sons and a me. But they thought it wasn't much out of the character for my family, since my father was an Omega  but still managed to beat the stereotypes and be part of the system, a military man and all. I reckon he went through hell for it, he rarely spoke of his training days. The only stories we ever listened to were romantic stories of how him and mother met in a street riot when he was shot and she as a nurse rushed to help him. William was a spitting image of father. One would think they were brothers, they acted the same, talked the same. It was funny how many times he picked up the phone and people would think it was papa speaking. They shared their infuriation with history, especially military history. William had a gun collection he started when he was 10. Mother didn't really approve, but she didn't protest much because papa always kept us safe, she knew none of the guns were loaded.

Tony was a softie. No one would think of him as an Alpha if he weren't so big and protective around father and I, when I presented.

He was a poet, a romantic soul. My adoration for him almost pares my adoration for Byron for which he is to blame. Mother, she was..." Louis stopped for a second, not to tear up or think over what to say, he was surprised to see that words fell out of his mouth as if he stood in front of a mirror like he did for a recital in year 6. It was just a pause.

"Fierce. Quiet and loving. And protective. Of father, even though he didn't need it. Of my brothers even though they were bulky Alpha males. And of me, because I was hers. Her little jasmine. She was my sunflower. We were a unit. For as long as I could remember, we were one, a pack. Nothing happened in any of our lives that the others didn't know about. Zayn often said how jealous he felt of our weird connection, but wanted to have what we had. So we included him. After awhile of knowing him, my family let him be a part of our unit. William called him our Persian prince warrior. I think they had a thing for each other, now when I think about it.

Papa was often busy, always on the road and mother was working at a hospital as a nurse, so we were often alone at home. William and Tony shared a room because of their ruts but they always ended up in my room, Tony and I would be on the bed, he would read to me, and William would lay starfish on the floor with Mozart in the background and Napoleon's battle strategies in front of him."

Louis didn't make a pause. A whole chunk of his soul was being thrown in front of Harry for the Alpha to do what he wants to with it.

"One day they got left behind in school, for practice I think. Tony probably just sat on the bleachers waiting for William to finish, he was never much of a runner. Had the grace of a ballet dancer though.

It was so hot. I think it was about 100 degrees, my God."

Harry felt weird. He hasn't heard Louis speak so much since the day he met him. And he wasn't giving him directions like he did back when he met, he was  _talking._ It almost felt as if it wasn't Louis who was speaking. If it weren't for the oh so familiar voice he could recognize in a million and the physical presence of the Omega who looked like a marble Gregorian angel statue, his eyes too empty even for Louis. 

Harry wanted to cry. 

Louis hated the heat. 

He's found him countless of times walking around his flat in nothing but boxers, in November. In a flat that had no heater. 

 _We have a heater Harry._ Louis had said once when he saw Harry coming through the door fifteen minutes after they hung up, Harry flipping his shit after hearing Louis' scratchy voice and chattering teeth that could've caused an earthquake in Japan.

 _Do you now?_ Harry retorted, disinterestedly as he picked him up and bundled in blankets he's brought along, packing every piece of fabric he found in the short time span in his bedroom. A warm bedroom with more than enough blankets and a functioning heating system. A bedroom he wanted to lay Louis on his bed and never move from his side.

 _Mhm._ the Omega had hummed, nuzzling into Harry's hand as he tucked him in,  _It's just acting out today. We had a fight yesterday, Liam is angry at me._

 _Louis, the heater doesn't work since the day I set foot in this damn building. And stop naming household objects after your professors._ Harry grumbled as he came in with a cup of steaming tea, sitting behind Louis, the Omega instinctively leaning into his chest.

_You jealous? I could name your household objects, maybe then your house wouldn't be so plain and boring with just chairs and a couch lying around, outlaws, like unbaptized newborns in 15th century._

_I'd love it if you'd come around and baptize my furniture._ Harry laughed, not joking at all. 

 

"I wanted to walk around naked but mother protested. Said that no matter how comfortable it seemed it would attract unwanted attention. Like, people, staring, and that made me shut up because I really hated people looking at me. Especially in the way they used to then, at the time when the riots began. Mother and father never hid anything from us and when people started talking about right hand bringing back the old laws, they were the first ones to protest. Having two Omegas in the family was more than enough for them to speak up bit I think that even without that they would speak up.  
It was inhumane. It was against the nature of their rebellious hearts.  
I don't blame them at all, you know... They might've felt bad about what happened if they knew. I'm glad they didn't."

Not much had changed in Louis but Harry felt a chill run through the boy, not visible, as if an electric shock travelled through his blood up his nose and all over to Harry through the air. 

Harry felt it. 

It was unnerving.

"It was bad enough for my brothers to see me violated by three men."

Louis didn't stop to breathe, talking seemingly from one gulp of air. But Harry felt frozen. His lungs were constricting, he wanted for Louis to stop talking so badly.

_No more, no more._

But the boy didn't listen to him. He didn't show any sign of awareness. Harry became stupidly aware of a conversation of his life that was being held on a parking lot in front of a fast food restaurant. Louis didn't seem to notice, his eyes glued to a spot above Harry's shoulder, eyes hazy, walking down the memory lane Harry regretted sending him to. The Alpha wanted to pull him back so badly, but his Omega looked like a moonwalker.

"Louis..." He spoke hoarsely but Louis didn't seem to register him.

"I was informed about the death of my parents ten minutes before a group of men came into our home, twenty minutes before I saw two bullets going through my brothers' heads. I think William would've admired their precision if he weren't... Indisposed." Louis eyes sparkled for a second, as if remembering an inside joke before deflating again.

"They left me on on the floor next to my brothers, thinking I would die from blood loss. I didn't, obviously. I might regret in the afterlife for being such a coward, more than I am regretting it now. My repentance knows no end."

"Repentance? Louis..." Harry was shaking, angry, regretful tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I know it seems disgusting to you, and I know I should've told you about my defiled state but..." Louis smiled emptily at him, and Harry felt scared of the hollowness in Louis' eyes.

"I'm just a weak Omega boy after all."

Harry let out a broken sob, reaching out for his broken Omega, beautiful, broken Omega, squeezing him, pressing tightly to his chest in hope to magnetically pull out all the memories, all the pain and suffering the Omega seemed to bottle up in a body that wasn't made for such cruelty and raw reality.

He was made for Spring Waltz, flower crowns and yellow peanut m&m's. He was made for him.

It wasn't clear who was holding who, Harry sobbing violently, whispering _my beautiful beautiful boy, i love you so much i'm sorry i'm sorry_ while Louis petted his hair and whispered back _it's okay Haz, you're okay_ which made Harry feel even worse because the thought of Louis reliving his past often enough to get used to it made his chest ache in the most painful way he's ever experienced.

 

Harry wasn't aware of how he drove them to Louis' flat. He was very surprised he hadn't crashed into anything. Kudos for Harry's subconscious sense of orientation.

He didn't know where he was going, where he was standing, his legs seemed to big for his body, for the first time he'd realized what people meant when they said he truly had a body of an Alpha. Everything was huge. His brain was in a cotton like state. Nothing, nothing preoccupying his mind besides the tiny human in front of him, like a flame in the middle of a cotton candy stick, burning away all coherent thought, leaving place for Louis and only Louis.

He was aware of the boy telling him something on their way back, and when they arrived, Harry hadn't really listened, he just opened the door, holding it for Louis who stood for a minute in front of him, giving up on trying to communicate through words, opting for just standing there, look at Harry and seek out whatever he thought might find in Harry's eyes. 

The Alpha supposed he found it since he took his hand and led him into the ever coldness of his flat. 

Louis sat on the couch while Harry looked around, not realizing why his Omega ran away. What did he do? Was he angry at the Alpha for not protecting him? The Alpha felt a huge wave of pain at the thought. 

He has failed. 

But he wanted to make it right. He'll make it right.

How?

He didn't know. 

How did Louis feel? 

What did Louis think?

He wanted to feel for his Omega, wanted to know what he thought.

In moments like this Harry regretted not bonding Louis earlier. Then he could feel more intensely whatever the boy felt. 

Sometimes he could feel when his boy was sad or upset, or angry, which led to him rushing in from his office in order to hold his surprised Omega with tear stained cheeks and too much pride to admit he's been crying.

In moments like those, he opted for just holding his Omega, trying to absorb the boy's sadness, anger, radiate calmness that usually worked on the Omega.

It was an instinct, to approach the Omega curled up on the couch and scoop him up in his arms, holding him too tightly, probably, but the Omega hadn't let out a voice of complaint. 

He could hear Louis' heartbeat, like a hummingbird in his chest, he shook with...  _Fear._

"Lou.." Harry tried, his voice coming out as a whisper, his throat felt as if it has been drilled.

_The boy whimpered._

Harry almost cried. 

Harry didn't know, (how could he?) how Louis felt back then. He couldn't know exactly what's been going through his mind but he prided himself in the fact that the time they've spent together made him pick up some of Louis' quirks and the funny way his mind worked. The sole fact that the boy hadn't realized that the Alpha would gladly pin him down and bond on spot since the moment they met, not see the adoration even his mother told him he had to tone down, because  _For Heaven's sake, Harry, you're embarrassing yourself,_ also meant that at this moment, Louis felt  _fear._ Of Harry's reaction, of his past, of life in general, Harry assumed. 

He just wanted to stay with this crazy bundle of softness in his arms forever, repeating time after time how beautiful he is. He'd never get tired of holding Louis, telling him how much he  _loved_ him. Until Louis believed him, and the fact that he didn't, pained him.

"Baby?" Harry nuzzled into his neck, Louis breathing out against his shoulder, refusing to lift his head. 

And that was okay. 

He tried to relax the boy, slowly drawing his fingers through his hair, lulling him into calmness Harry's Alpha tried to radiate for his Omega, washing him over with his scent, nosing his neck, inhaling deeply, because every addict craved the drug that defined his existence. 

And Louis was just that. 

He was Harry's opium, just the scent of him could get Harry humping his leg. 

But also, it was much more than that. Seeing Louis smile, it woke something deep inside him that he didn't know a human could feel. He's realized that he truly felt for the first time in his life when he met the boy, because, who knew, who  _knew,_ you could recognize someone's smell before even seeing them? Who knew, you could admire their every physical imperfection that seem so perfectly put, an appearance the archangels envied. Harry could recite the number and position of every freckle on Louis' nose, tell the difference between the way Louis spoke when he was angry, sad, happy or excited. Admire the change of the color of his eyes, from ocean blue to a washed out grey. 

Harry was never much of a poet but he could write a sonnet for every curve of his eyelashes.

Nothing, nothing compared to the way Louis made him feel. And for that, he'll be forever grateful to whichever divine creature sent him his way. He was blessed with Louis' laugh, child like wonder at new things, ecstatic buzzing when he learned about the things he loved, shaking with excitement, the buzz in his veins buzzing through Harry as well. The sight of his eyes filled with tears at cute puppy videos and every note of  _Way Down We Go._ His poetry he thought he hid so well, and rarely had shown to Harry which maybe made Harry a bit jealous because he's witnessed the moments when Louis asked Zayn for an opinion and refused to show Harry anything, opting to respond to Harry's requests with a soft smile and continue to write down his thoughts as they came, which was in waves, sometimes in the middle of a night when he couldn't sleep so he pulled out his phone that had way too many notes that he'd started and abandoned just as the words left his mind, which, Harry noticed, frustrated the boy greatly. If he could, he'd carry a recorder around and tape everything Louis said, because he has climbed that level of obsession. 

And, to be honest, his voice calmed him. 

There were cases when Louis didn't hide anything from Harry, completely devoting himself to him, which made Harry's Alpha purr in satisfaction. Especially when Louis sang. And Louis sang to him often, or, as often as Harry requested. Sometimes even the songs he has written that had left Harry breathless. Enlightened. 

Because he was Harry's light that shone through every dark space of Louis' mind and he be damned if he didn't find every crack on the surface of his misery and pour all the love and comfort he had in himself.

 

When Harry's grandmother died, Louis had sang to him. It made Harry cry even more. 

 

Somewhere between holding the falling puzzle in his arms and thinking, or going by instinct, Harry ran towards the only exit he has always ran towards whenever his life got unbearable and started to hum softly,

_May these words be the first_  
_To find your ears_  
_The world is brighter than the sun_  
_Now that you're here_  
_Though your eyes will need some time to adjust_  
_To the overwhelming light surrounding us_  
  
_I'll give you everything I have_  
_I'll teach you everything I know_  
_I promise I'll do better_  
_I will always hold you close_  
_But I will learn to let you go_  
_I promise I'll do better_  
_I will soften every edge_  
_I'll hold the world to its best_  
_And I'll do better_  
_With every heartbeat I have left_  
_I will defend your every breath_  
_And I'll do better_  
  
_'Сause you are loved_  
_You are loved more than you know_  
_I hereby pledge all of my days_  
_To prove it so_  
_Though your heart is far too young to realize_  
_The unimaginable light you hold inside_  
  
_I'll give you everything I have_  
_I'll teach you everything I know_  
_I promise I'll do better_  
_I will always hold you close_  
_But I will learn to let you go_  
_I promise I'll do better_  
_I will rearrange the stars_  
_Pull ‘em down to where you are_  
_I promise, I'll do better_  
_With every heartbeat I have left_  
_I'll defend your every breath_  
_I promise I'll do better_  
_I will soften every edge_  
_Hold the world to its best_  
_I promise I'll do better_  
_With every heartbeat I have left_  
_I'll defend your every breath_

Harry finished with a kiss on Louis' temple, nudging at Louis' nose, placing a kiss on the tip, and as if making a map, without moving his lips from the boy's skin, he brushed over his eyelids, following the tear stains down the boy's cheeks, not even trying to make him stop crying. Instead, he rested his forehead against Louis', a strange sensation blooming in his chest when Louis raised his head to meet his lips, when he opened his eyes that were overflooded with tears and emotion he's only ever read about. 

Louis didn't turn his eyes away and Harry let out a tear as his chest bloomed...

"I'm so proud of you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for, like... coming all the way 'til the end :D  
> kudos and comments mean the life xx


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 3.44 am.  
> i don't even know.  
> go on, ruin me.

Louis thought thing would change. He thought Harry would be disgusted, that he'll be angry or run away. He even tried to persuade the Alpha to leave, because he was certain the Alpha hadn't thought it over, and the fact that he's been in Louis' flat for the past few days, sacrificing his health to wash up in Louis' bathroom had Louis worried about the Alpha's sanity.

Zayn hadn't shown up for a week in their flat because Louis told him it's better to avoid Harry for a while until they cleared things. Zayn didn't complain much because Niall volunteered to take him in, even though he didn't have a guest room. Louis supposed they'll share. 

During that period, Harry didn't leave for work, only to get groceries and cook greens Louis has been carefully avoiding since his mother stopped making him eat his greens because they agreed his favourite colour was yellow and eating broccoli is a treason to his favourite colour. 

Apparently, there are yellow fruits and veggies, and Harry has brought them all into the small, poorly equipped kitchen and cooked dishes that didn't have any boiled cabbage or traditional English - Louis blamed the Alpha's culinary knowledge on his country's colonial power.

Harry didn't forbid him to leave the flat per se, but he did express his disapproval in Louis' late night activities and a stack of weed he found in the cupboard while looking for salt one day.

"It's not like you didn't know, Harry." Louis reasoned. 

"I didn't. There are many things I doubted about you but knew nothing for certain." the Alpha leaned on the counter, in his black slacks and a loose white bottom up that reveled more than it covered and distracted Louis' coherent thought process great deal.

"I thought we confirmed there are things you weren't aware of. And the choice of leaving or staying was given." Louis couldn't help but feel tired. They've been over this so many times, it started with Louis trying to beat sense into Harry' thick head and ended with them on the floor, Louis writhing as Harry fucked into him stubbornly until they collapsed on each other, limbs intertwined, muscles sore for days after.

"Stop trying to make me leave. I thought we established I won't be leaving, unless you really want me to." Harry quirked an eyebrow, making Louis roll his eyes- earning a low growl from Harry.

"Stop the growly wolfy Alpha thing, you know I'm immune to it." Louis spoke bitterly. He knew it was an Alpha's warning to an Omega, he could recognize upon hearing it, but his Omega didn't react to it more than raise its head disinterestedly for a second and go back to sleep.

He was disabled. He was damaged. He wasn't a real Omega. 

Harry's body stiffened at that but a second after he was in front of Louis, placing a hand on the Omega's hip, the other going up to his cheek.

"Stop that." He spoke firmly. "Listen to me-No, Louis, Listen," he repeated after the Omega tried to duck his head, retreat because the Alpha was too close, too close... 

"I love you." 

Louis shut his eyes firmly, refusing to see his Alpha's determined expression, to hear his tender voice, to feel his firm grip. To accept his love. 

Because it'll go away. 

His Alpha will go away.

No matter what he said, after a while he'll get bored of the unresponsive Omega and leave. 

And Louis will be ready for that. He won't allow himself to give his Omega to any Alpha no matter how much of a soft spot his inner wolf had for Harry. But it became completely numb to anything else around, just like Louis. Sometimes ignoring Louis' for days, which  _hurt,_ physically hurt the man, because falling apart with the fundamental part of your being could bring nothing but pain and sadness. Just like Fynn warned him. 

_"It's a part of you, Louis. Something you can't change, tame or reject." the man said to him the last time he's been at the clinic._

_"It's stupid to talk about this to you because you know it, but I think you've never applied what you've learned in school to yourself.  
I've been talking about the physical damage it could do to your body, the psychological as well. I'm done just discussing it, Lou. We need to stop the treatment unless you want your Omega to reject you, not the other way around. You know what happens to those rare cases who get rejected by their wolf."_

_Louis knew._

_"I'm surprised it's lasted this long. I wouldn't take your mistreatment if I were in the place of your wolf. But I guess the little scraps of affection you've allowed Harry's Alpha to give you helped a great deal."_

Louis left the clinic with a peck on cheek from Fynn, a smug wolf bitching its vibes into his brain, irritating him beyond explanation, missing the usual pack of pills. 

His Omega wasn't drugged anymore, but it refused to cooperate no matter how much Louis begged his inner instincts to take over. He didn't know how to do this-this relationship, love, selfless care... thing. He knew his wolf would know, but for now, it decided to punish him for leaving it in the dark for so long. 

Not that he didn't deserve it, but he hoped that in moments like these, meaning  _very important and intense love declarations the defected human doesn't know how to deal with,_ his Omega would take pity on him and run towards the Alpha Louis could feel tapping through the wall of his sanity.

"Baby." Harry whispered, his breath fanning over Louis' lips, leaving goosebumps at the back of his neck. 

"Baby. I love you." Harry nuzzled against his cheek. 

"So much." the Alpha spoke, warm and wet in the crook of his neck, trying to release as much pheromone as possible to scent him, calm him, lure his Omega out. 

In the end, Louis reckoned it would be easier to negotiate with a wild animal than himself. But both himself and his wolf had a weak spot for the cherry taste of Harry's lips, chocolate mind and the smell of his Tom Ford cologne and rosemary he's been using with his roast potatoes.

"So, so much. You know that, right?" Harry pressed firmly against him, not minding Louis' hands that were unmoving by his sides, Louis' head nestled in the Alpha's shoulder might've been enough for him. 

It scared Louis just how much the Alpha knew about him. Not the facts about his past, the thing he revealed himself. It's the little things Louis often laughed at. Like the times when Harry bought him three pairs of patterned yellow coloured socks. Or the fact that he remembered Kevin's favourite food. 

_"He used to be a stray cat and has been living with Zayn and me for over three years. He's used to leftovers and food from the cent shop."_

_"He has feelings!"_

" _Yes, if_ _I'm-annoyed-with-the-human-because-it-didn't-bring-me-food_ _or_ _I-peed-on-Roger-the-cactus-again_ _were feelings he definitely would have them._ "

The emotions he tried to hide, the emotions he couldn't explain, those were the ones he was terrified of Harry seeing. 

His insecurities were reveled and he felt bare. 

And Harry didn't complain about them. He just caressed his face, tried to calm the trembling soul and let him know subtly that his defense mechanisms were transparent. 

Everything felt like it was too much, his face felt as if it was on fire, he could smell the burning hair and the skin that reddened, the sensitive skin around his eyes and his cheeks puffed and grew and grew until his entire face blew up into the Alpha's face whose breathing quickened along with Louis' who was trying to get away from the man, with a sudden burst of energy he gathered the strength to push the Alpha away and jump three feet away, shaking, shaking, shaking.

He hit the wall and stood there, frozen and numb. It felt as if he was hit with a whip across the back. His mind didn't seem to want to cooperate, but, fortunately, Harry did. 

The man stood in the same spot, looking at Louis with a calm expression that made his knees too weak to stand so he slid on the cement floor that was covered with a fluffy maroon carpet Harry brought. 

Things Harry brought into his life were surrounding him, filling him, driving him insane. 

He won't....  _won't_ allow anyone to stay long enough for him to get comfortable with the idea of something permanent and then disappear when they realize who Louis really is. 

If he can't handle himself, he highly doubted anyone else would want to put up with his tantrums. 

Zayn was an exception since the man was as insane as Louis was and could understand him, or try to understand.

There are few people Louis could say some things to and for them not to give him the nearest therapist's address and Zayn was one of them. The other one was Harry. 

His Harry that was lowering himself on the cold floor as well, and if Louis were coherent enough he would mock him that he'll catch a cold, like the Alpha always said to him. 

He was looking at him, his calm, open face that was never angry like Niall described it when he came frustrated from work, never arrogant or rude how he read the magazines describe him, not  _ruthless, a real business man,_ like his boss described him, never like the gossip columns in celebrity magazines described him -  _a true Alpha - sex crazed naughty babe from the business world._

He was for him just Harry. Harry that was currently looking at him with trusting, open face, eyes that spoke of adoration Louis knew he didn't deserve. Love confessions that pained the Omega because he knew he wasn't worth it, he wasn't. How long will it be since the man realized that? Will it be before or after Louis admits to him and everyone else that he's just devoted to his curly angel as he is to the pointless mess of thoughts that was Louis Tomlinson? 

The worst thing that could happen is that Harry will sit down one day and think over everything that has happened between them, think about Louis, his past, his behavior, his fuckedupness, everything anyone would notice by barely glancing at him and slowly back away. 

Or, upon realizing everything, the resentment. Louis was afraid. 

It was an awful feeling, never experienced before, the sandy taste on his tongue, burning Sulfur in his skull, acidic vibrations in his chest. The air was dissolving his lungs, no Oxygen, only acid, rage and hatred from the person he loved most sliding down to the tiny bubbles in his lungs, making them burst, explode. 

Louis regretted every choice he's ever made. 

He should've ended it all long ago. 

How many times has he thought about it? How many times has he felt as if his brain was going to explode, and the pain in his chest would not allow him to open his eyes to the torture of this world tomorrow? 

He would've. 

He didn't have anything to live for, really.

But after everything that's happened, he felt an obligation to stay. If the people he knew for a fact left this Earth in such a terrible manner, after living a righteous life, then... Maybe the Earth is another planet's hell and this was Louis' punishment. 

Or maybe he was just too much of an ugly soul to live in a place so beautiful.

He's read a book, once. It was such a stupid, pointless book, the one he read as a guilty pleasure. One of them chick flicks. 

It was about a girl who was abused by her mother and met a guy for whom she didn't know was a werewolf. The werewolf knew from the moment he saw her that she's his mate, and from that moment on tried to protect her, but as he wasn't much of a social butterfly, she, the dainty little thing she was, was quite afraid of him, but he also made her feel calm and confident. It was a sentiment Louis knew was irrational but true. Powerful, intimidating people always had that effect on him, so he could relate. 

Everything went on by its usual terrible way in the life of the girl so she thought hey, I need some relief. So she cut herself. Louis wasn't sure what he'd do in her situation but he felt quite annoyed at the fact that most authors threw depression, self harm and abuse here and there without thinking about what effect it could have on their readers, or without educating themselves on the topic. 

The frowny guy, being a werewolf, smelled blood on her the moment he saw her and demanded to know what happened. 

So she told him.

They spent the drive to his home conversing casually as he said she should never be so weak again and she replied that, yes, she never will be that stupid and weak again, oh the wisest, strongest of people that has shed light onto my darkening, weak mind. 

The book ended like every other patterned book, it was enjoyable. Gave him a laugh or two. But that conversation, as stupid as it was, stayed glued into his skull, because, he was that weak. And not only momentarily, but every second of every day. Not just physically, but mentally. He couldn't fight the urge to just yield, to give up. He was so, so tired. 

And that, that was what he was afraid of Harry finding out. 

But for once, he thought, fuck it. 

Actually, it wasn't the first time he thought that. His entire relationship with the Alpha was based on that philosophy. Because Louis, in his normal, obsessive, over thinking state of mind would never let himself slip that way. 

Hail his weakness for strong arms and soft eyes. 

"I feel like I've been talking more in the past few days than I should." Louis started, Harry still looking at him, not flinching, or making any sign that he might interrupt him.

"But I think that you should know. More." Louis made a defeated pause. 

"Because there's more. It might be worse than what you've thought was happening with me. Besides the fact that I was pretending to be genderless, that I'm a violated Omega that forgot what it feels like to be one from all the drugs that've been washing the bond with myself off, and the fact that you've found weed in my cupboard, I find your reaction quite funny by the way, I'll have to make you smoke a blunt after this is over, just for the laugh of it. If you choose to stay for that long, of course. But I promise it's going to be fun and completely safe. I guess that's what someone with rape drug would say to their victims, isn't it? I swear I'm not going to rape you or sell your organs on the black market. Pinky swear.

Fuck, off the topic, nevermind.

Where was I? Yeah, like, I'm crazier than you thought. You might've figured that out when you found out I'm living with a gang leader though, right? Or you haven't figured that out? That code talk in the car was quite confusing, to be honest. I couldn't tell if you really knew everything or you have only scraps of something you overheard or read in a limited edition criminology book or something. Read the Scotland Yard files maybe. And maybe I'm blowing this out of proportions, I really don't know. But I want to get this clear, you know. And Zayn doesn't mind.  
I don't think he would mind if I chopped someone's arm off and used it as pain on the ceiling. He'd help me bury the body, probably. He's very protective of me, you know. That's why he did a background check on you the moment you stepped within a mile radius of me. I didn't want to know what he found out, just so you know. He asked me if I wanted to know. I didn't. I didn't.   
It was enough that he approved. Trust me, being approved by Zayn is an accomplishment. He's sort of a badass, you know. I mean, you might think of him that way, since all you've heard about him is that he kills politicians and deals drugs. And his appearance doesn't help much. I swear a piece of his soul dies every time he chuckles at a stranger. But he's a softie. A big teddy bear. 

Just like yourself. 

It might hurt your pride, you're an Alpha after all, but I don't really care." 

Because Louis really didn't. He has told so many embarrassing, offensive words to Alphas before and lived to tell the tale. Call him cocky or suicidal,  _he doesn't care._  

"Just remember all those people who wrote lies about you in magazines just so they could get paid. It's the same thing with him, just the big heads pointing fingers at him, fingers that might actually kill him. While your situation seriously messes up your head, Zayn's might get his shot."

And he did. Louis' mind flashed with memories of bloodied shirts with holes on them and trembling fingers that were too used to the sight and the fact that the ambulance can't be called. You're on your own. Save your friend's life, just like he saved yours. But that's another story Harry wasn't ready to hear. Ever.

"But that's besides the point, the bottom line is that... It might've been my fault that he's in the business, a bit. After my family's death, Zayn and I got even closer, Zayn's Alpha instincts kicked in, or his best friend instincts, I can't be sure. He was like a fortress, keeping all the bullets away from me. I wasn't an extroverted type before everything, and I was even less after. But over time I learned to accept it, and became numb to it all. I had no motif, but I helped Zayn, who wanted a fresh start, and he claimed that couldn't be achieved if he didn't set the old bills straight. I didn't say a thing because I knew it wasn't all for me. Zayn is a mysterious thing, you know. Not like anyone I've met. If he were in a war I'm sure he'd give his life for a cause he believed in. And... He believed in my family. In Will. I could see it. We didn't speak of it, but he knew I knew. Will died because he was a son of people who thought there should be no boundaries, no laws for human interaction. For a life. Omegas can be powerful. Alphas can be weak. Omegas aren't breeding machines. Not all Alphas are the protectors. A relationship between two Omegas or two Alphas should be legal, because they bond the same. They love the same. Will always said how we should fight for it, just like people fought for something as trivial as same sex marriage in the past. And they succeeded. And we will too. 

And we did. 

But the generation that makes the difference is always the one that's left with the consequences. It's weird, fighting for something, to make someone happy and then they don't live to see the success. It hurts."

Louis didn't know why he was talking. He didn't remember opening his mouth but for the first time in forever he didn't want to stop. Because Harry's face, his beautiful face, was standing a few feet away, at the distance he asked for, waiting patiently, as if saying, do your thing, throw bricks and stones at me, when you're finished I'll fetch you a cuppa and a blanket so we can cuddle, you stubborn brat. 

"It leaves something rotten in you. Something smelly you don't want to touch. It's a huge hole in your head, your soul that reeks of  death and sacrifice and there's something wobbly, black crawling towards you and you pick it with a stick and it attacks, travells from your stick with the speed of light up to your arm, into your heart and mind and nestles in you.

You're still you but with that wobbly, rotten undertone you hate. 

People see you as they saw you before, because not much changes. But you see the difference, and those who care, they do too. That's why you have to hide. As if it were something contagious. As if a toddler pulled out a snake on the playground to show off, but everyone ran, on instinct. The toddler would be surprised, if not a bit hurt that no one liked his new friend. But the snake wouldn't. Because it's used to being shunned since the garden of Eden. It would shrug, and the toddler would vow never to expose his good friend to such embarrassment again. They would vow to be together forever, hiding their friendship as something others would never understand."

Harry's eyes shone with that special glint they always had when Louis spoke for longer than it took to say that _no, we don't need more food_ , and _yes, i love you too_. It gave Louis the courage to speak more. Because he loved it. He loved treading words that weren't on paper or in his phone he lost by a mistake and almost cried, because if he'd told that to anyone then they might remember it, but now, it was lost to Louis because never would he be able to put down the same train of thoughts. 

He had a feeling Harry would remember at least some things he says. Even if after all this he proclaims the Omega insane and runs away, Louis evilly thought that maybe he'd have his voice echoing the words of a madman who was too afraid of the amount of love he might be left for.

"I felt as if I was looking at the sun.

But people didn't believe me, I knew that. Sun, such a pretty, warm thing, why run away from it?

They kept saying I'll miss the sunrise if I kept looking at the ground. So in all Their beauty and destructiveness, They cracked my neck trying to make me look up, up, up, at the sun that was Them, They ended my life and stared in confusion, still not realizing that there was no higher point in my life than the sun in front of me.   
Sometimes, I wonder... Do They realize the power of a human being? I could take someone's life and deprive this world of a doctor that might've cured AIDS. I might run over the next Mozart. I could make a Bronte doubt themselves with my online hate comments, and they would never write again. 

But then... I could kill myself." Louis smiled, smiled at Harry's pale face, and the thoughts that've been always there, always in his mind, never said out loud, never written. Now they're finally free. 

And it felt good, oh so good.

"I could kill myself and let those people live because in the end, that's all I wanted. To leave. But They wanted me to stay. Even though They've given me no reason to stay. Taking everything away from me, not giving me anything to hope for, strive towards, They made me do things to others I want to do to myself. They made me this way. Empty, hollow, a murderer. It's on Them." 

Bliss, pure bliss of words so true, so true, so raw. 

Louis felt bliss. 

"One day, I'll take Their advice and let go. Be myself. Just be. Human. Then They'll get scared. Boy y'all going to piss yourself when you see me.  
And I won't even care. First of all, because I won't be aware, I'll be letting go of everything human that's grounded me. Second, even if I did, I won't care because I'll be doing what Them a favour. 

I'm already having a blast just at the thought of Their horrified faces and statements about something inhuman, savage, when all I'll be doing is show all of you, you. Show who we really are. It'll be raw, it'll be cruel and it'll be the most human thing you've ever seen. Because, people are animals, savages with rose petal shields that hide their truest, most primitive face. They'll cry and run and be horrified but that'll teach Them a lesson never to say to everyone that they should spread their wings and be their true selves. Because not everyone's wings can fly up and not every hidden face is one of an angel."

Louis smiled like an angel.

"And all that I'll be doing out of the goodness of my heart, for the sake of my fellow humans' future. How kind of me, huh?"

Harry might've fainted, he might've screamed or cried. 

He didn't. 

He smiled at Louis.

He reached out for the boy, smiling. 

He touched Louis.

He placed a kiss on his cheek. 

And the other one.

And his forehead. 

And his eyes.

And the tip of his nose.

"You are the moon." he whispered, smiling, a breath away from Louis' lips. The Alpha leaned in, brushed his lips against Louis' parted mouth.

Louis has read many theories from the ancient civilizations of where the human soul was located at. The brain, the chest, the liver. 

Louis' was in his mouth. Or it travelled up to his mouth, at Harry's call. It felt as if he was breathing out a part of himself, and he was scared for a second before Harry met him halfway, shutting his soul's gateway with his lips. Pushing it around, caressing with his tongue that made millions of tiny bugs crawl up Louis' toes, higher.

Harry's hands were tender, instinctively knowing, marking their way to their favourite spot on Louis' skin. Places that left the boy shrudding at the jolts of pleasure his Alpha's touch caused by grazing his nails on the side of his ribs, sucking on wetly under his ear, licking, tasting, and by the vocal proof Louis had gathered, enjoying, loving the path he made with his tongue down his neck. 

Louis felt useless, unable to do nothing more but mewl, gasp, or shiver in anticipation upon feeling Harry's dick weighing through his slacks. 

No matter how many times he's had the pleasure of feeling like the most precious person on Earth, like a deity, a temple his Alpha made sure he worshiped every inch of, it always felt like the first time. 

He always felt bare, even with clothes on, because both of them were a mess, such a mess.

Louis wondered if he told the man earlier that he was an Omega, would he allow him to undress him and toss the much bigger Alpha around, ride his cock, milk him dry until he was practically begging Louis for something, something to seal it, a kiss, a slap, an orgasm.

He didn't care.

He loved having as little control of his brain when enjoying Harry as possible.

He won't apologize later for ripping Harry's slacks now.

Harry wouldn't.

And Harry wouldn't say a thing to him either because the second he was left in nothing but boxers, Louis started mouthing his dick, wetting the fabric with his spit, sinfully naked on top of the curly haired man whose breath got caught up in his throat as Louis hands flew up, under his shirt, pinching his nipples- hard.

They always acted like hormonal teenagers and it was always a battle of who will make who come more. 

Harry groaned, and Louis felt impatient, he couldn't bare the sight of anything as a barrier between his mouth and Harry's dick so he removed the boxers with too much force, revealing the sight of a familiar sized member that made his stomach turn in want.

He wanted to have Harry inside him, he wanted to feel every inch of his dick deep, deep, hitting his spot with precision like always, he wanted to be fucked, he wanted to make love with the man, he wanted to feel him on his tongue, he wanted Harry's dick piercing his hole, he wanted to drip with come and spit. 

Louis was a greedy, needy bastard with only one Alpha and the said Alpha was in possession of only one dick.

"Want to suck you. Please, please, Harry. I need to taste you." Louis whispered, lowering his head into Harry's crotch, breathing in, nuzzling into the soft hair, licking, softly biting his Alpha's inner thighs.

"Yeah... Yeah, Lou." Harry replied breathlessly, making Louis' Omega jump in happiness.

"Thank you, Alpha." he said, before he licked the tip of Harry's dick that was leaking so much pre come, from Louis' comment or his touch, he wasn't sure but he didn't mind at all. It made him crazy. It felt amazing. He licked the head, trying to go down as much as possible, grazing his teeth, barely, on the vein before going down, down, where he knew Harry's smell was the strongest, and there was nothing that made Louis come harder than the thought that he pleased his Alpha. 

His one hand was gripping Harry's left thigh for balance, as he reached to cup the Alpha's balls, he felt him thrust up, and Louis moaned, because he knew that was it, his Alpha was losing control and he absolutely loved it. 

He let out a surprised yelp as Harry yanked him by the hair, up, kissing his mouth, climbing on top of him, almost lying, rubbing their cocks together, making Louis desperate, panting, with mouth unseductively open, praying for release.

"Gonna come on my cock." Harry whispered into his skin and gripped the base of Louis' member- if he weren't unable to think he'd scream at Harry for being an asshole.

He could only nod frantically, hurrying to reach to himself, to open himself for the Alpha that was looking at him with blown eyes, want, pure, primal want taking over him. 

Louis sucked on his two fingers, coating them with spit as much as possible, but not really caring if it was enough slick or not, he just needed to have something in himself, he needed to be filled up. Without the usual teasing, or show he might put on for Harry, he circled his hole and slid the middle finger up his knuckle, quickly working in his fingers, twisting, scissoring them, his wrist starting to hurt but he be damned if he stopped now, because it felt so good.

It felt even better when Harry took his hand and guided his fingers, adding two of his, bigger ones that almost made Louis scream as he fucked himself on his own and his Alpha's fingers.

It might've been seconds or minutes, Louis really doesn't know, when Harry removed their fingers from Louis hurriedly, leaving the Omega empty and whining at the loss. The Alpha made sure to comfort him with a kiss as he busied his hand with coating his cock with as much lube as possible.  
Louis bit Harry's lip, earning a loud growl and more teeth and tongue clashing in a kiss that turned into something viciously primal as Louis felt Harry at his entrance and he gasped at the feeling, without even being filled yet. 

He knew what it'd feel like, but it was a bliss. An experience he'd trade for nothing as Harry slid into him, letting the Omega feel him inch by inch, the stretch only making him want more, more, more until he bottomed out and they both stopped for a second, sweaty foreheads pressed against each other, ragged breaths intertwining, eyes full of want and adoration staring into one another, whispering, screaming I love you's.

Harry never held back with him, just like Louis never kept his mouth shut during sex. They were polar opposites to their every day selves.

The Alpha snapped his hips without warning and made Louis scream. 

It felt so good.

He never wanted it to stop. 

As Harry kept thrusting, skin against skin, Louis wasn't sure he'd be able to say anything else besides 'yesyesyes' and enjoy Harry's 'beaufitulbeautiful, mineminemine' as he clenched, spilling on his and Harry's stomach, the Alpha coming deep inside him after a few thrusts more. 

Harry maneuvered them so the smaller boy was on top of him, exhausted, still full of dick and pleasure. 

The Alpha reached out for the blankets on the couch, covering them both, tightening his grip on Louis as they lay on the floor, not wanting to move.

"I love you." the Alpha said. 

"How?"

Not why. 

"The way you deserve to be loved. The only way I know how to love you." Harry smiled at the pale perfection on his chest, caging him against himself, never wanting to let go.

"Tenderly, totally tragically." 

Louis chuckled, rubbing his face against the Alpha's naked chest.

"You don't even know the power you have over me for that." 

Louis liked being in power. If just for a second.

"I love you too. Inexplicably, irrevocably."


	9. Chapter 9

Harry was always self conscious about his role as an Alpha male on the world. 

It's been awhile since the society strictly demanded that a mating be done between an Alpha male and an Omega female. Those were the days his grandparents were taught about in History classes and were frowned upon as much as the atrocious things that were done in the WW2. 

He thought it was pretty funny to see how much the times change, people developing technology to improve lives, or if one were to be realistic as Louis, developing it to sell technology and make people dependent on the resources only one big head can provide, convince them that their product is exactly what everyone needs and that the humanity will be doomed without it. How did humans even live before hoverboards? God knows.

But no matter how much technology develops, there is that primitive line in humans that doesn't allow them to move away from the dusty pile of their conservative minds and it ruins more lives than anything.

It took the Alpha awhile to accept the fact that he wants to live a full life or not live it at all. 

He was aware of the fact that he depends on the people around him, he's part of the society and he simply cannot live as an outsider if he wants to succeed. 

 _Find a loophole, fit your gigantic hands through it and rip the paper of the timeline to shreds, because the world is the same behind the curtain, just with more light and freedom, and what the other side of this planet's coin needs is your dimples and peace declamations._ Louis had said once.

People think there is an afterlife, they work their entire lives for a better life they're not sure they're going to experience, they behave just so they could be part of the heard that goes through the gates of Heaven. 

Since meeting his soulmate, Harry realized that he would trade thousands of afterlives for a second with  _him_ , for a second of freedom of mind in a caged world.

He's never considered love the most important thing on the world. 

It's important, very, but just like everything human, it always has a downside, after awhile becomes perverted and consumes the lives of people in love, ruins lives.

He thought the most important thing in his life was to be free. To be.

And he's tried hard to live by his philosophy, coloured outside of the lines of the classic gender assigned roles, was an attentive, soft, thoughtful Alpha. 

He thought he was happy and loved the feeling.

If someone,  _anyone,_ ever told him how much he'll love life when he finds someone who fights for the same things, in their own way, someone whom he'll be able to love for their differences, insecurities and a pathway to their mind covered in sunflower petals and cigarette smoke.

He's never felt more out of character, feeling like everything his gender assigned to him at birth is blurred and mixed like a giant pool of wall paint that was blue and yellow and pink glittery. 

He was a red, angry, cold, clawed creature when he felt possessive of his soulmate. He was an Alpha.

but he was also a gentle, vulnerable pink rose that needed the comfort of another person, that needed the world to stop being so sharp and cruel just for a second so he could close his eyes and rest.

He wanted to be everything for Louis.

And he be damned if he doesn't try, and succeed. 

He's never felt determined about anything in his life, but maybe that's because he never had a goal. Now, looking at the pile of soft hair, long lashes and bleeding soul, he wanted everything, wanted to  _be_ everything for him. 

Just  _be with him._

See him smile in sleep like this forever, and if there is life beyond forever, nestle deep into a black hole with his little ray of sunshine and hold him close in his arms, look at everything, look at nothing.

He wanted to be a better person, wanted to make the world a better place, wanted to experience everything there is on this world just so he could test out the waters and see what's safe for his love, make a path filled with everything pretty just for him, who's suffered enough for being given a cotton candy soul, let alone for everything life's put him through.

He loved the fact that Louis slept in his arms. That he breathed into his shoulder, not turning away to breathe fresh air, not complaining of suffocation, which Harry would probably do, and that made him almost drop a tear on the bare shoulder of his lover, the fact that Louis trusted him enough to envelop him in such a tight embrace that he wouldn't mind suffocating. 

He wouldn't jump up into the sky and bring a star to earth with him for Louis.

He would much rather carry Louis and sit with him on a shining bulb, fall asleep and suffocate while sleeping soundly, dreamless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a super short end because i wanted closure. thank you all. love you to bits, be safe xx

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos.  
> looots of love xx


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